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[TKOW Board]

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Live from the U.S. Bank Arena, Cincinnati, Ohio


MAIN EVENT
Elimination Tag Team Match
Six Man Elimination Tag Team Match
Team 7 ("The Arizona Assassin" Adrian Tanner/"The Demon Fox" Brandon Young/"Katastrophic" Kaycee Tanner) vs Bayou Street Mafia (Dan "Cypher" Kilburn/Matthew "Apophis" Maratiyeh/"Communist John" Stewart w/Shion Hikari & Katie)


Last Man Standing Match
"The Irish Bastard" Spanky McPipebomb vs Nick Collyer


Lady Hawke vs "The Devastator" Jack Sullivan


Meet Your Maker Match
"The Android" Johnathan Doberman vs "Iceheart" Jace Mingla


Also

Interviews with:

TKOW Champion Phoenix and the Church of Pain and Suffering

TV Champion Bob Lancelot

Matt Griffen


and
Special Announcements from HPWA/TKOW Owner T.H. Power.

---------------------------------------------------------

Remember the RP rules. The first promo via PM to the TKOW Board account is due Saturday, April 21st at 11:59 p.m. Eastern Time. The response promo (in promo thread) and On-the-Spot deadline is Wednesday, April 25th at 11:59 p.m. Eastern Time. Segments are due in the 26th and match votes (from every handler!) are due in by the 27th. On-the-Spot will be open straight through the 27th if you want to take your promo battle beyond the regular 2 promo allowance. Remember! O-t-S is shoot/trash talk ONLY! Any character development should be posted in the appropriate forum during the promo period to count for extra credit.

[Doberman]

Android: Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Johnathan Doberman. I am the Chairman of a fed called Havoc Championship Wrestling under the parent company Ultimate Havoc Wrestling Incorperated. I hold a very high position among UHW's ranks in general. I came to TKOW to test my skill within the ranks of this territory, and basically, I wanted a different experience than what I'm used to. Though it would have been awesome to see everybody's favorite Hardcore Robot join the ranks of Hardkore World, TKOW just takes the cake as a good solid fed to me.

Nonetheless, I looked at the current Mass Khaos card, and it seems as if I'm booked against the man, the myth, Jace Mingla, or 'Iceheart' if you prefer. OWL, could you please hand me the Wikipedia article on Jace, please?

*OWL hands him the article.*

Android: Hm... It says here you've been involved with gangs growing up on the streets of LA, doing gang related activities prefrring to use asian weapons rather than firearms. Looks like you did not grow up in the most 'favorable' environments to grow up in, but then again, neither did I.

It says here at 20 years of age it started to bore you? Wow, it must take alot to bore a man in a gang... so then it says you joined the Japanese Mafia Triad... wow.... pretty cool. Remind me to take you seriously at Mass Khaos.

Let's see, you went to court, found not guilty, got shot in the head, dead twice, coma for eight years. Damn, your life sucks... But, look, it gets better! You enetered the world of wrestling... then lowpoint alert, killed several people, then you won the SCW World Championship but was immeadiately stripped of it. Went to TKOW, fought for the World Championship here, lost, went through some stuff with your personal assistant and here we are.

Well, it's not exactly a 'lap of luxury' life, but it makes a somewhat good first impression on me. Let's make Mass Khaos a good one.

and remember. You Are Ob-So-Lete!

--End Transmission--

[Onslaught]

As the image comes into view we are treated to the site of Jace Mingla sitting in a large leather chair. One leg is crossed over the other and he plucks out the cigarette that was hanging out of his mouth and stabs it out in an adjacent ash tray. Regular TKOW viewers would recognize this location as Jace’s home, what used to be the home of the late former TKOW owner RJ Dyson. A large window looms in the distance, the curtains are open but the night sky yields no aid to the dull lighting in this room. Jace is seemingly lost unto himself, looking straight ahead and paying no heed to the camera. But, like most good predators, what seems to be the case rarely is. Jace is well aware the camera is on and rolling, he is merely contemplating….and playing the game on his own time as he is apt to do.

Jace: It is often said that a man’s home is his castle, but lately I have been wondering…what happens when a house is not a home? Can a house, bereft of feeling, good or bad, ever be a castle? Is this MY castle anymore?

Jace breathes out his nose, expelling gray smog from the cig he had just inhaled. It makes his visage look temporarily unreal as it’s clouded.

Jace: My house…Mr. Doberman…is NOT a home. Nor is it a castle. Because for it to be a home OR a castle, common sense would dictate that such a grandiose residence would need a number of occupants…occupants who are much beloved by the castle’s ruler. This….house….no longer has any occupants save myself. I am a lone ruler surrounded by pointless decadence. But I used to share my castle with two others. One was my former lover and the natural inheritor of this house named Madison. I didn’t love her, she was useful enough though and a hellcat in the sack. Plus she had shitloads of money, which was always convenient.

She’s gone now.

Jace’s speech ends abruptly with this last statement. And by the finality inherent in his voice its clear that the subject of Madison Dyson will not be broached ever again.

Jace: BUT….the second person that I shared my castle with….ah…this person means something to me. In fact….this person means EVERYTHING to me. Hell, he is my everything. That person is my son, Sam. You see, Mr. Doberman, my son has cancer. He’s in the hospital now, being closely guarded because he just has a second brain operation to remove a tumor. I would be with him right now, as I usually am, but sometimes I need to take a break because seeing him so sick makes me feel like I’m dying inside. There are a number of reasons I’m telling you all of this. Number one is because you seem to have a reputation for being a “good guy.” The kind of guy who stops his car so a small animal can safely cross the street…the kind of guy who gives his spare change to a homeless beggar or whatever trite goody-two shoes bullshit you could dredge up. So, I figure this is something that would interest you…hell, it may even be pulling at your heartstrings.

But, Mr. Doberman, handouts of pity or sympathy is not my intent here. No…what I’m looking to do is make you fully understand why I need to destroy you.

Jace looks at the camera now. He adjusts his arm and we can now see the pentagram tattoo on it peeking out.

Jace: I love my son. I love my son more than anything else in the world. In fact, I have NEVER loved a human being before I met him. You have a lot of close family…I found that out too…so I think you just might understand the kind of love I’m talking about here. However, my son’s illness has also made me feel something else I’ve never truly felt before.

Fear.

Oh, I’m sure if you talk to some of the other guys in the back they’ll tell you I’ve shown fear before…that I’m afraid of Tobias Burden or Phoenix or some such bullshit. But the fact is…I don’t fear ANY man. What I do fear is the notion that my son may die. And I would do anything….literally anything…to stop that.

And that’s where you come in. You see, I can help my son. Aside from the financial and medical support I give him…I can support him by other means. And this is where I might start talking over your simple head “Android”, so forgive me. But I want to make it CRYSTAL clear to you and everyone else what my purpose is.

The cold, hard fact is that Satan is real. I’m still “out” on the whole God thing…but if the clusterfuck that is this world is any indication the devil came on down to Georgia a long ass time ago. And it turns out the devil takes a liking to rotten rat-bastard individualists such as myself. The devil also likes creating chaos, disorder, and generalized mayhem. Those are things that I happen to excel at. But because one of the devil’s greatest tricks is convincing the world he doesn’t exist, he can’t very well come on down and start laying the hellfire and brimstone down on the general populace. So that’s where I come in. I am a conduit of evil’s will. Now, I used to do that for shits and giggles, but now I’m doing it for a reason: because in exchange for the suffering I cause there is an off chance the devil will help my son. It’s a long shot, I know, but as I said before I will do anything for my son.

TKOW is a swirling cesspool of ego and self-aggrandizement. It’s a company so enrapt in its opinion of itself that it doesn’t even realize its dying. And its talent pool is full of so many big fish in a small pond…self-absorbed beyond belief and just waiting for the proverbial mallet of infernal superiority to pound them into place. The devil would like nothing more than to see just that. Unfortunately, that means you are in the way, John. And to get to the real big offenders…like Phoenix…I need to make my way through you. And make no mistake, John, I am going to break you down to appease the real powers that be. I am going to bleed you like a stuck pig and feed your life’s blood into my son so that he may go on living. But doing it to you will be especially fun because you seem like such an all around good guy. The quintessential good guy…all patriotic fervor and good feelings.

You….you I am going to fuck up beyond belief. And it’s going to feel great.

Jace leans back and a wicked smile creases his lips. His eyes look unfocused and far away again, but not so much staring off into space…but staring right through the viewer.

Jace: As for you TH Power, it’s to my understanding that you aren’t happy about the way I finagled my way back into TKOW. I really don’t give a shit. I did what I had to do because I sure as hell know you wouldn’t have given me another contract. And I’m honestly not surprised you have started me out curtain jerking against TKOW’s newest recruits. But the problem with that is that curtain jerking isn’t the kind of money I’m used to. And if I’m to help my son to the best of my financial abilities I need to be making the BIG payouts again. That means that right now, Power, you are in effect fucking with my son.

If you fuck with my son…I will FUCK with you. And I know that isn’t something you want. Just ask Isaac Black from SWAT…I ensured that motherfucker was picking his teeth up off the floor for messing with me. And all he did was mess with me professionally. What you are doing is personal, Power. And if you don’t put me where I need to be on the card, and you don’t get me the payouts I had during my first run, I’m going to feed my son YOUR blood. I will hurt you really bad TH, and if that doesn’t faze you I’ll start working over your family and loved ones until I get what I want.

I hope you don’t have kids TH…because if you are complicit in the death of my son I WILL kill them. Slowly. Painfully. Like a cancer. How fitting would that be, eh…?

Jace leans back, his face comported of a mixture of smugness and psychoticism.

Jace: My house will become a home…and my home a castle once more…

Hail Satan…

The feed cuts.

[Havok]

"Y’know…I’d say I’m surprised by this, but let’s face it…”

Adrian Tanner: “He’s that stupid.”

[Adrian Tanner smirked as the scene opened up to a card table, where we find Adrian, Kaycee Tanner, Brandon Young and Melody Abrahms playing poker.]

Melody: “Who’s stupid?”

Brandon: “I know you didn’t just call me stupid!”

Adrian: “Not you, asshat. I’m talking about Danny boy. Cypher, the guy who ‘asked for another chance’ with me even though I thoroughly embarrassed him two seconds into my appearance in the Holiday Hell Invitational.”

Brandon: “I don’t know, maybe he likes getting embarrassed.”

Adrian: “I think I’ll stick with my first idea.”

Brandon: “Suit yourself, but there are some sick people out there know what I mean?”

Kaycee: “I’d rather not know.”

Brandon: “Well, whatever the case may be, he’s gonna have to get used to getting embarresed by you, me thinks. Cause we’re gonna do it again at MK, right Kay?”

Kaycee: “Well, I dunno…I mean…”

Brandon: “C’mon Kay, you can’t possibly believe these guys have a prayer in hell against us can you? It’s Adrian Tanner and Brandon young…!”

[Kaycee glares daggers at Brandon; Adrian elbows him in the side.]

Brandon: “Hey! And you, of course.”

[If looks could kill…I wouldn’t want to be Brandon right now…]

Brandon: Shaddup, you! I was getting to you, Kay! I swear!”

Kaycee: “Uh huh, sure you were.”

Brandon: “Seriously, I…”

Adrian: “Dude, stop before you get yourself even further, and pass the damn cards already.”

Brandon: “Fine…”

[Brandon shuffles and deals five cards to each player.]

Melody: “So why are we playing poker anyways?”

Adrian: “Cause its something to do, babe.”

[Adrian looks up from his cards, and notices everyone staring at him strangely.]

Melody: “’Babe?’”

Adrian: “Uh…I...Er…I mean…I…”

Melody: “C’mon, speak boy. You can do it!”

Adrian: “….Fold.”

[Adrian throws down his cards and stands up.]

Adrian: “I’m getting something to drink, anyone want anything?”

Melody: “I still want my explanation.”

Adrian: “Uh, yeah…okay then.”

[Brandon and Kaycee burst out laughing the second Adrian leaves the room. Melody giggles to herself.]

Kaycee: “You are evil.”

Melody: “I know, but its fun. How often do you see the ‘great Adrian Tanner’ fumble for words?”

Kaycee: “True…Hehe…”

Brandon: “Aight ladies, back off. That’s my bro your messin with.”

Kaycee: “Hush, boy.”

Brandon: “Why…you…I…BAH!”

[Brandon gets up and storms off into the other room, grumbling something to himself as the girls laughter grows even louder. Brandon heads into the kitchen with Adrian.]

Brandon: “Man, those chicks are EVIL.”

Adrian: “Tell me about it. My sister’s been dying to have someone like Melody around.”

Brandon: “We’re suckers aren’t we?”

Adrian: “Yeah, yeah we are.”

Brandon: “Yeah, but c’mon…neither of us would have it any other way.”

Adrian: “No, no we wouldn’t.”

[Adrian finishes pouring his glass of Cherry-Vanilla Dr. Pepper and puts the bottle back in the fridge.]

Brandon: “So, how bout this match at MK?”

Adrian: “Danny boy wants to die by my hands again, who am I to stop him? The matter of getting to kill him and his cronies in one sitting is a bonus.”

“But the fact that I get to do it with my best friend and sister by my side, embarrassing them with me?”

Adrian: “Well that’s just freakin sweet!”

Brandon: “True that!”

[Adrian grabs his drink and the two head back into the living room.]

Brandon: “Okay ladies, who’s ready to get dazzled by my leet poker skills?”

Kaycee: “We were ready ten minutes ago.”

Melody: “I still want my explanation.”

Adrian: “…It was a Freudian slip. Can we drop it please?”

Melody: “Suuuurree…”

Adrian: “…..”

Melody: “Relax Aids, I’m just giving you a hard time. You think you’d be used to it, by now.”

Adrian: “…”

[Adrian glares at Melody.]

Melody: “Okay! Sorry…sorry. Wont say it again, I promise.”

[Melody giggles as Adrian rolls his eyes.]

Melody: “Now, can we play some cards, or what?”

[Brandon deals a new hand.]

Melody: “So, what’s this match at MK you guys have? And furthermore, what’s an ‘MK?’”

[Kaycee starts the bet with a five dollar chip]

Kaycee: “’MK’ is Mass Khaos, the next TKOW show. We’re scheduled in a match in the main event with the ‘Bayou Street Mafia.’”

Melody: “Wow, sounds tough.”

[Melody sees her bet with a fiver.]

Brandon: “You’d be surprised.”

Adrian: “Trust me, they aren’t.”

[Adrian raises it by ten.]

Melody: “I’d think they have to be if their in the main event.”

Brandon: “Their only in the main event cause their facin us.”

Adrian: “True that.”

Melody: “Kay?”

[Kaycee raises Adrian’s bet by another ten.]

Kaycee: “Don’t let the boys fool you. We’ve got some competition. Dan’s a world champ in some other fed, and the other guy’s are pretty scary looking…”

Adrian: “Kay, we’re facing a guy I beat in five seconds, his partner, who’s like 12 feet tall, but his only notable ability seems to be lame as all hell poop jokes, and…that other guy. I know your all ‘Ms. Nice-girl’ and all, but I’d hardly call that competition.”

“And by the way, I see your ten, and raise you another ten.”

Kaycee: “All I’m saying is its not very nice to underestimate your opponents.”

Adrian: “Screw nice. I’m not here to be ‘nice’ to my opponents.”

Brandon: “And if they were worth worrying about, we would. Right Adrian?”

Adrian: “Indeed.”

[Kaycee sees his ten and calls. Adrian shows his cards, he’s got a full house. Kaycee has a straight. Melody has a Flush.]

Adrian: “Gah!”

Melody: “Score!”

Kaycee: “See, never underestimate your opponents!”

[Melody laughs and high-five’s Kaycee as she counts her money. Brandon deals a new hand.]

Adrian: “Okay, okay…point proven. So, what are we gonna do about this match then, Ms. Tanner?”

Kaycee: “We’re going to win, of course.”

[Brandon and Adrian simultaneously raise and eyebrow.]

Adrian: “You sure your okay there, sis?”

Brandon: “I think she’s sick.”

Adrian: “Yeah, has to be.”

[Kaycee chuckles.]

Kaycee: “Boys. Hehe…Just because I believe in not underestimating our opponents doesn’t mean I don’t have the same drive to win as either of you to! I just don’t have to be a jerk about it, ‘tis all.”

Adrian: “And how, pray tell, do you see us winning this match?”

Kaycee: “Well, we could…use the Chidori…”

Brandon: “Nice.”

Adrian: “Ah the Chidori…I’ve been wanting to show that off.”

Melody: “Chidori?”

Kaycee: “Don’t worry Mel, you’ll see soon enough.”

Brandon: “Aha! You’re learning well, young Kaycee-san.”

Kaycee: “Quiet you.”

Brandon: “We’ll have you join us yet, young padawan.”

Adrian: “Yes. Joooooiiin ussss.”

Brandon: “Come to the dark-side, Kaycee Tanner! We’ve got… guns and lightsabers and…uh…puppies.”

Kaycee: “Puppies?”

Adrian: “You weren’t supposed to tell her about the puppies, dumbass.”

Brandon: “Ah, my bad.”

Kaycee: “Puppies?”

Brandon: “Nothing, really. I didn’t say anything.”

[Brandon waves his hand in front of Kaycee’s face.]

Kaycee: “Don’t ‘Jedi Mind Trick’ me, boy.”

Brandon: “Uh…I’ll just be going over here now…”

[Brandon gets up and rushes past Melody as Kaycee and Melody rush after him. Adrian chuckles and shakes his head as he watches Kaycee and Melody chase Brandon around the room.]

Adrian: “Well, I think one thing’s for sure here. No matter what happens…”

[Adrian grabs the pile of poker chips on the table.]

“I win.”

[Adrian smirks as he puts the chips in his pocket and slips off out of the chaos that is his sister and friend bum rushing his other friend…]

Adrian: “Which means everyone else…loses o’course.”

“That means you, Danny boy. See ya at MK, buddy!”

[Fade.]

[Kahlan - R.I.P.]

A word flashes upon the screen in huge letters…

DEVASTATION

Still flashes of the area around Mt. St. Helens after its unexpected eruption.

DEVASTATION

Still flashes of Holocaust victims lying in haphazard piles after death.

DEVASTATION

Still flashes of New Orleans in the days after Katrina.

DEVASTATION

Still flashes of wide swathes of destruction in the aftermath of tornados.

DEVASTATION

Still flashes of the Dust Bowl years, of denuded landscapes, mudslides, emaciated people.

DEVASTATION

Still flashes of Pompeii and Herculaneum.

DEVASTATION

Still flashes of Hiroshima post nuclear detonation.

DEVASTATION

The word fades and in its place a cursor waitingly blinks, until…

Main Entry: devastate
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: destroy
Synonyms: demolish, depredate, desecrate, desolate, despoil, devour, hash up, lay waste, level, pillage, plunder, raid, ravage, raze, ruin, sack, smash, spoil, spoliate, stamp out*, take apart, total*, trash*, waste, wreck

The cursor blinks, waiting for more words.

Jack Sullivan claims to be “The Devastator.”

Still flashes of Sullivan battling Dan Kilburn in the Holiday Hell “Got Wood?” Gauntlet invitational.

Yet… this is what happened.

A short clip of Kilburn eliminating Sullivan.

A man who didn’t make it to the finals took Sullivan out of the running. Now… he has a chance to redeem himself, a chance to prove that his loss was not a fluke or bad luck—That he really is what he claims to be. However, he faces someone who has been ravaged beyond belief, lived through something he only dreams he has the fortitude and strength to do, and has sprung back forth into live, forever changed, but still alive… and thriving.

Still flashes of Lady Hawke in action.

How will you fare, Sullivan? We are Devastated versus Devastator. Woman versus Man. It is an ages old conflict. Another is newcomers to the fed, mouthing off about how they’re going to run roughshod over the veterans who have already established themselves. Kilburn proved himself. Tanner proved himself. Collyer proved himself. You? Kilburn puts you in your place. Now it’s my turn--one former newcomer who actually DID enter the fed and step right into a main event. Not because I ran my mouth, but because I showed management immediately I had what it took. What have you shown TKOW? That an established wrestler can take you out. Well, guess what? At Mass Khaos it won’t be a simple and easy going through the table. It’s going to be a little more difficult. But you know what? I’ll not only wipe the floor with you, I’ll prove to management that you just don’t have it. You want to prove yourself in TKOW, then take me out. C’mon, Sullivan, it should be easy to defeat me, right? I’m just a female.

Fade…

[Harpuia]

Dan sits down on the couch of the living room of his house. Looking straight up at the camera, still trying to readjust the icepack over his back, one of a few wounds he suffered from the "Got Wood" Invitational.

Kilburn: One thing I always hated about wrestling, the wounds once you run out of adrenaline.

Dan pauses and looks to the left of him, where Communist John is standing.

Communist John: Heehee! Then me make you horny!

Kilburn: Fuck you.

Communist John: Please?

Dan stands up with a little bit of trouble from his back and just knees Communist John in the gut, knocking him down. Apophis walks into the room with Shion with a batch of cookies and another icepack.

Kilburn: Eh... you can put the icepack away Matt, I don't need it now.

Apophis: Didn't you say it hurt when your back is creaked?

Kilburn: Beside the point. I just went through a table, nothing too big. I'll live.

Apophis: Alright.

The three turn to the camera and Shion readjusts it. She places her face right in front of the camera and waves.

Shion: Hiya hiya hiya!

Kilburn: Shion, quit playing with the camera and use it already, will ya?

Shion: Oki.

Shion turns around and starts recording.

Kilburn: Thank you. Adrian Tanner, whatever stroke of luck you may think you had in the "Got Wood?" Invitational, I can guarantee you was just that, pure luck. I had that tournament sealed in stone until you surprised me out of nowhere. Well, there's an old saying around here in the bayou, Tanner. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... well... that's impossible. And now this time around, I got backup.

He slaps Apophis' shoulder.

Kilburn: REAL backup.

Apophis: Adrian Tanner, Brandon Young, Kaycee Tanner. You have no idea what you're about to participate in come next TKOW Mass Khaos. This is one match where you three hold a disadvantage. You see, Dan's tough enough, John's fat and scary enough, and I'm just big enough that any one of us alone could take on all three of you at the same time. Should you get lucky to eliminate one of us, we can easily catch up. You on the other hand, Team 7... when one of you falls, it won't be long before the others cave in. It's called endurance. We have it, you don't. Come Mass Khaos, all of your worst nightmares, Team 7 are about to come true!

Apophis does an evil laugh before turning the camera to Communist John. John just grins at the camera dopily...

...

Then he farts...

...

Then he idly smiles...

...

Then he farts again...

...

Ok... now he's going to speak.

Communist John: Heehee... I like cheese... heehee... the other day I ate cheese... I wonder what a Tanner and cheese sandwich will taste like...

He starts to ponder... if you call it pondering...

Communist John: Heehee...

Kilburn: Aw, damn it John! Quit wetting the couch again!

While Kilburn says this, Communist John starts to wet his tights (he still wears these even outside?) and some of the pee starts to leak towards the couch.

Apophis: Now you see why I like sitting in this rocking chair.

Kilburn: You're supposed to play the god of destruction, and you're afraid of a little pee?

Apophis: Like you aren't? It's John's pee. Probably filled with cancer or AIDS, or... whatever STDs he's acquired.

Kilburn sighs and turns to Communist John.

Kilburn: Save your fuckin' peein' for the ring, will ya?

Communist John: Heehee! I heard they call Adrian Tanner the Arizona Assassin... heehee... Arizona... eeeeeeeeeee....

Arizona make me horny...

eeeeeeeeeee....

Kilburn: And?

Waiting a few seconds here before John starts to speak again.

Communist John: Eee?

Nevermind.

Kilburn: Whatever, this is dragging on for way too long. Anyway, you heard it here first. The Bayou Street Mafia next week plans to tear Team 7 apart limb from limb. And that's that.

Kilburn snaps his fingers and the camera immediately goes off. Scene ends.

[TKOW Board]

Here's the rundown.

Both Main Eventers showed.

Neither Last Man Standing handler showed, meaning that the thing is getting thrown out.

Hawke showed.

Both MYM handlers showed.

5 out of 8.

Continue below.

[Onslaught]

When the camera starts rolling, we see Jace Mingla sitting in what appears to be a basement. Training equipment can also be seen in the background, weights, a punching bag, and the like. Jace is sitting backwards in a folding chair, his arms draped over the back. A television is on in front of him, and Jace is actually watching in a state of slack jawed disbelief. The camera closes in over Jace’s shoulder, revealing that the set is playing “The Android’s” promo. Numb, Jace reaches down to the floor for the remote and turns the television off. Jace just sits there, for a solid three minutes, looking dumbfounded, staring blankly at the darkened TV set.

After a few minutes pass, Jace raises his hand triumphantly as if he is about to make some sort of profound point, but then frowns, shakes his head, and his arm slumps back down.

Jace: Good God…

Jace shakes his head faster this time, like he’s trying to shake loose some cobwebs. For the first time, he looks at the camera.

Jace: Okay…okay…wow…

Jace takes a deep breath.

Jace: Alright….I have concluded that I have grossly underestimated TH Power for a long, LONG time. I mean….there is only one conclusion to be had from this…

…Power…you are one rotten, sadistic motherfucker.

Jace, still looking astonished, lets that one sink in for a moment.

Jace: I mean, that’s the only explanation for this. I’d HOPE that you’d at least screen your new hires before giving them their first match. So you MUST know what “The Android” is like. You MUST know what a….what a….JESUS!

Jace gets up abruptly and throws the chair across the room.

Jace: Doberman….do you have clue one what you are getting into here? I mean, lovely run down of my life story. I especially like when you noted how “cool” it was that I was part of the Japanese Mafia. Yeah…that’s really “neato” isn’t it? FUCK! You make it sound like you just found out we share the share the same favorite colors. NEAT! Oh…and I really loved “Looks like you did not grow up in the most 'favorable' environments to grow up in, but then again, neither did I.” No…no shithead, the ghetto wasn’t exactly a very “favorable” environment. But boy howdy did I love the sound of gunshots to accompany my Care Bear alarm clock going off in the morning right before school! And, pray tell, why wasn’t your home environment very “favorable”? I can’t imagine backwater Bumfuck County, USA being all that bad.

Jace puts on a mock pouty face.

Jace: Oh….I’m sorry Android. Did I hurt your feelings? Gee willickers! What a jerk I am! Its just that, I guess I’m surprised by you. I definitely had a feeling that you were somewhat of a naive good ol’ boy…but I had no idea you were this much of a deluded dumbass country bumpkin.

Wake up….look around…and feel free to join me in this wonderful thing called reality. Because while you were summarizing my life’s story in a trite two minute monologue and hoping “We make Mass Khaos a good one!” I was wondering just how much force would go into breaking the knee cap of a guy your size, so that I can effectively ground you for the rest of the match. I was pondering just how hard I’d need to punch you in the bridge of your nose so as to drive bone shards up through your skull and into your brain. But, hearing all that you said, maybe I’ll just forget about all that stuff and focus on having the “bestest” match we possibly can at Mass Khaos so that we both look good and give all the people their moneys worth! And then, maybe after, we can go out for a couple drinks…or maybe a chocolate milk in your case….and ruminate some more on how much my life has sucked.

Or maybe not. And fuck you. Repeatedly. Up the ass. With a broom stick covered in barbed wire.

Don’t patronize me. And do not even attempt to imply that you know or understand me. You don’t. And you never will, because we are two VERY different people.

Power…you sick bastard. You must have known full well what you were doing to poor Mr. Doberman. I don’t know if you just wanted to give him one hell of a reality check, or if you thought he is as annoying as I do and just wanted him done away with ASAP. Whatever the case, your newbie is going down hard. Stop wasting my fucking time and GIVE ME WHAT I WANT! If I gotta prove that at Mass Khaos….so be it. But when the Doberman family starts bitching that their precious Johnathan is just not the same anymore, that’s on you. But then again, you must be a sadist, so maybe you won’t care.

Jace leans into the camera.

Jace: John….listen to me. Mass Khaos….its all over for you. No more sunshine, flowers, and teddy bears for TKOW’s newest babyface! I am going to FUCK YOU UP. And as for your summary of my history, you may want to recheck your facts because it has never been conclusively proven that I have killed anyone. That’s what a not guilty verdict means. But…at Mass Khaos…I just might prove everybody’s assumptions about my guilt and have a public execution!

John Doberman, you stand accused of blissful ignorance and wasting the time of the “Iceheart”. The verdict? Guilty! The sentence? DEATH!

See you around Android. The Devil is going to appreciate your donation.

Jace gestures for the camera man to shut off the camera and the image fades to black.

[Doberman]

Android: Alright, alright. Party's over. Looks like 'his royal highness' has gotten pissed off because I tried to keep things cool.

Listen, kid, I try to be as nice as I can to people I face, because ulike some people, I try to keep a positive outlook on things. Unfortunatly for me, I had to go up against Mr. Attitude here. Listen kid, there's nothing stopping me, come Mass Khaos, from snapping you neck in the middle of that god damned ring. In case you haven't done YOUR homework, I'm the f*cking Android. Breaking bodies is what I do! I leave people in a bloody heap in the middle of the ring. After my opponents wake up in the hospital the next day, they go, "What the hell happened?" Then the nurse says, "You got you ass kicked by Johnathan Doberman." It's just what I do! I tried to not make this as bad as it could have been, but I guess you prefer matches where there is something personal on the line. Is that what you do? Try to get in to people's heads? Play mind games? Mind games don't work on me, son.

You think you can break me? You think you can break a person noted for going the distance and coming out the victor in the end? You just messed with the wrong robot. You talk big, son, but you can't act big. I've taken down people that would make you seem tame. But your not tame, are you? No, no. Did you think I don't take this match seriously? Because, after what you said, it looks like you are the one who doesn't take this seriously. Because you think I want 'the bestest match ever!' Well, all I wanted was things to be cool. But, nooo.

Now, let's move on to some other topics you brought up in an earlier tape, shall we?

You admitted that you worshiped the devil. *sarcastic* Wow, I really don't care. That eats me up inside. Oh, wow, you have a religion, you are doing what the first ammendment allows you to do, that's wrong. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I REALLY care that you have a 'castle' in which you live. I really care about who you shared it with in the past. I really care that your son has cancer.*end sarcasm*

Listen, I'll give you a buck after the match to donate to some foundation your son may be apart of. But, that's the least of your worries. Because you just pissed of Johnathan Doberman, the Hardcore Robot. That's not a wise decision. I don't care how 'big' you really think you are. The only thing your proving by talk talking all this time is that you have alot of bark. But, at Mass Khaos, will you have the bite to back it up? My guess is no. And, at Mass Khaos, when your laying in the ring, curled up in a little ball, licking your wounds, and I'm standing over you, my hand in the air. You'll think to yourself. "Was he right? Am I really Ob-So-Lete?"

We'll find out come then, now will we?

--End Transmission--

[Harpuia]

The scene begins in a setting no one wants to see... Communist John's bareass being shown on the camera as he seems to be humping a giant map of the United States.

Communist John: Heehee!

Kilburn: John, what the fuck are you doing?

Communist John: I'm humping Arizona... Arizona make me horny!

Communist John gets out of the way just enough to show the entire map of the United States with the state of Arizona cut out, it's borders and then some filled with blood and who knows what else.

Communist John: Heehee!

Apophis: You're one sick bastard.

Communist John: Heehee! Thank you!

Kilburn: Seriously dude, we thought Jace Mingla was a sick asshole, but dude, you take the cake. You even make Power nervous!

John just stands there and smiles... idly. Kilburn simply sighs.

Kilburn: Anyway...

He turns to the camera and the camera is now focused on him.

Kilburn: The "great" Adrian Tanner? Uh huh. I've never heard of an Adrian Tanner in my life, and the last time I even heard of a Tanner, it was that bitch of yours in Megabowl V getting rid of two girls even punier than her. I have NO idea why she's being dragged into this match, but hey, I bite. Commie John here has to rape someone's asshole and it looks like with you and Brandon's heads up your asses his little cucumber isn't going to make much difference in there, so that leaves little Kaycee Tanner to take care of the rest of the work.

The camera then turns to Apophis.

Apophis: Fart jokes? You obviously have no idea what you're talking about. As a matter of fact, you three have been doing nothing but confusing me for... well... that... thing over there.

The camera turns to Communist John.

Apophis: It's hard to call him a person, but he is the Bayou Street Mafia's most superior executioner. And by executioner we mean an execution of your dignity, which is exactly what Team 7 is going to get come Mass Khaos! Between myself, my buddy Dan, and that idiotic moron Communist John, we will be the last team left standing. I wouldn't be surprised if all THREE of us were left standing after that match!

Communist John just grins dopily at the camera.

Communist John: Eeeee... I like balls... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

Kilburn: Put some fuckin' clothes on!

John turns to Kilburn.

Communist John: Eeee?

Kilburn: You're wetting the carpet again!

He looks down and then looks back up and just grins dopily.

Communist John: I want to give one of you an anal exam! Heehee! Because me so horny!

Dan forces the camera back to him.

Kilburn: Team 7, your chances of beating us are about the same chances as the rapture happenin', and that's zero. Come Mass Khaos, it will be the Tanners and their little dog Brandon Young on the ground, and myself, Apophis and John with our hands up high. You can fuckin' believe that!

Just then a fart can be heard. A few seconds later, Shion comes out into the camera wearing a hazmat suit and carrying a pushbroom.

Shion: Dan, I'm going to clean the crap John just put on the floor.

Kilburn: Awww... fuck! Get me a hazmat suit, I'll do it!

Apophis: Why don't I do it?

Kilburn: There's no hazmat suit in the world that will fit you, or John for that matter...

Apophis: That doesn't matter. Then let John clean up his own mess.

Kilburn: He's not capable of breathing properly let alone doing that!

The camera fades to black. Scene ends.

[Havok]

“He didn’t really say that did he?”

[The scene opens up to the Australian condo of the Arizona Assassin, Adrian Tanner, current headquarters of Team 7, where 2/3s of Team 7, Brandon Young and Adrian Tanner himself, are sat in the living room in front of a vcr.]

Adrian: “Yes, he did.”

Brandon: “Really?”

Adrian: “Yep.”

Brandon: “Seriously?”

Adrian: “’Afraid so.”

[Brandon stops, a blank look on his face.]

Brandon: “Seriously?”

Adrian: “Dude, watch the tape. He really said it.”

Brandon: “I’ve already seen it. I just can’t fathom how Danny Boy and his merry band of Steroid Monsters can actually think they’re going to win this match because they’ve got ‘endurance.’”

Adrian: “Yeah, well…I think we might’ve made a mistake here, Brandon.”

[The blank look returns.]

Brandon: “Pardon me, but…What?”

Adrian: “No, seriously. I’d like to take this time to apologize. To you, and to everyone watching out there in TV land right now. I believe we truly might’ve made a huge mistake here….”

Brandon: “What the hell are you smoking?”

Adrian: “I’m serious, Brandon. I’d like to apologize because I think we might’ve underestimated just stupid our ‘opponents’ really are!”

[And the smirk tops it off!]

Brandon: “Ahh! Jebus, don’t do that man! I thought you were you having an aneurism or something for a second.”

Adrian: “Hah! You wish. How stupid CAN three people be?”

Brandon: “You’d think between the three of em there’d be one functioning mind. But apparently you’d be wrong for thinking that.”

Adrian: “Apparently so. So apparently, the ridiculously, 12 foot tall guy…what’s his name again?”

Brandon: “Like I paid attention to their names? I dunno, let’s just call him ‘Big McLargeHuge’ or something.”

Adrian: “Big McLargeHuge eh, sounds about right. Okay well, Big McLargeHuge’s 12 foot tall; 8 thousand pound ass wants to lecture US about ‘endurance?’”

[Adrian ponders the sheer stupidity of that fact for a moment.]

Adrian: “Let’s consider this for a moment okay. We’ll look at it objectively. Now, on the one hand…”

[Adrian holds out his right hand.]

Adrian: “You’ve got Danny boy and his merry band of Steroid Monsters. Danny Boy’s what? 6’4, something around there…Then you’ve got Communist John, who’s like 6’5, almost 300 pounds…And THEN you’ve got BigMcLargeHuge, who’s 15 feet tall and weight 34,000 pounds…”

“And on the other hand…”

[Adrian holds out his left hand.]

Adrian: “You’ve got me, 227 pounds of pure jobber pounding goodness. I’m a lean, mean, asskicking machine. So’s he…”

[Adrian points over at Brandon.]

Adrian: “So’s my sister. Now, Big McLargeHuge, out of all the things in the universe, out of every POSSIBLE fault you could find with this match, you choose to talk about ‘endurance.’ Why?”

Brandon: “Because he doesn’t have the slightest clue what the flying fuck he’s talking about, so he’s trying his hardest to ‘sound’ smart?”

Adrian: “Bingo. Endurance? Dude, you’re like 12 foot tall, and you weigh like 4000 pounds. I’m pretty sure my grandma’s corpse could run circles around you without breaking a sweat! Let alone three top flight, in the peak of our career asskicking cruiserweights like myself, Kaycee, and Brandon.”

Brandon: “See, now if you guys were, y’know…smart, you could’ve come out and ranted about how you’re big powerful steroid monkeys and we’re just three tiny cruiserweights, (one of whom is also a girl) and how your going to ‘destroy’ us because you’re more powerful then us like that’s supposed to mean anything at all.”

Adrian: “Not that that argument would actually_work_mind you. But it’d still have more merit then Danny’s current ‘I’m going to win because you got lucky and now I’ve got my two brothers in ‘Roid Rage with me as backup,’ or Big McLargeHuge’s theory of ‘beating us because he somehow has more ‘endurance’ than us even though he’s 18 feet tall and weighs two tons.’”

[The door behind them opens and in walks Kaycee Tanner, carrying a couple bags with her.]

Adrian: “Ah hell…”

Brandon: “We’re boned!”

Kaycee: “Boys, you wouldn’t be trying to promo without me, would you?”

[Kaycee drops the bags on the floor and raises and eyebrow at her brother and friend.]

Adrian: “Of course not.”

Brandon: “Nah, we were just practicing…”

Kaycee: “Suuure you were.”

[Kaycee jumps down onto the couch between Adrian and Brandon and takes a drink out of the can of Cherry-Vanilla Dr Pepper sitting on the table in front of them.]

Kaycee: “Mmm…Dr Pepper.”

Brandon: “Hey!”

Kaycee: “Shush, you. I’ve no doubt that my brother and this joker over here…”

[Kaycee pokes Brandon in the arm.]

Brandon: “Ow!”

Kaycee: “I’ve no doubt they’ve probably ranted and raved already about the unwise usage of a test of ‘endurance’ when it comes to facing three cruiserweights, one of whom…”

[Kaycee pokes Adrian in the arm.]

Adrian: “Hey! Stop that!”

Kaycee: “One of whom used to wrestle 45 minute matches three to four times a week; before we took our much-needed break away from wrestling…I’m fairly certain they’ve covered all that, so I won’t.”

“But I would like to propose to you three the same thing I told these two.”

[Kacyee pokes both of them simultaneously.]

Kaycee: “That being, do not underestimate your opponents. The three of us are far more than just ‘two cruiserweights and that one cruiserweight’s sister,’ and should you take either of us lightly, it’ll only lead to your own demise.”

“These two may be smart-alec jokers, and they may act like they don’t take you seriously, but when it comes to stepping into that ring, gentlemen, it will be very serious. My brother…”

[Kaycee pokes Adrian some more.]

Kaycee: “He may talk a lot of trash. But he only does so, because well, he CAN. He is deadly. He can talk you into losing the match before you even step into the ring. Then he’ll step into the ring and MAKE you lose the match. He is that good. Brandon…”

[Kaycee pokes Brandon even harder, giggling to his dismay.]

Kaycee: “He may not be the best wrestler in the world, but he has the heart and intensity of a caged lion, and he has no hesitation when it comes to kicking your ass.”

“And as for me? Well, I may look like ‘just a girl…’ I was trained by two former world champions, one of whom is a former TKOW world champ…and that’s not counting all the time I’ve spent training with my three brothers. I’m no pushover either. And while I’ll admit, fighting guys isn’t my thing. But we joined TKOW as a unit, and we’re going to fight as a unit. “

“But we have something else you guys don’t.”

Brandon: “IQ’s higher than a 4th grader?”

Kaycee: “No…Gentlemen, these two guys right here, this is my brother and my best friend. We joined TKOW as Team 7. But we’re not just a ‘team.’ We’re not just a ‘unit.’ We’re a FAMILY. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for either of these two guys, and I’m almost fairly certain they feel the same way about me.”

Adrian: “Damn right.”

Brandon: “In-fuckin-deed.”

Kaycee: “I’ve known both of these guys since they were born, gentlemen. We know how we all think, how we each act. What we’re going to do, and when we’re going to do it, because we’re a family. We work together, we play together, and we live together…”

Adrian: “And we DIE together.”

Kaycee: “You may be stronger than us, you may be more powerful, but you’re facing a family that’s tired of sitting in the shadows. You’re facing TEAM 7. It’s OUR time to shine now.”

“So we’re going to go into Mass Khaos, and we’re going to show you what happens when you mess with family. Gangsta style.”

[Kaycee makes a sideways gun with her left hand and points it at the camera. Brandon and Adrian look at her in shock.]

Kaycee: “What? Just cause I’m a nice girl doesn’t mean I can’t have confidence in my family does it?”

“No? Good. Now, who wants to see what I bought at the mall?”

Adrian: “Uh, I just remembered I’ve got some IGA stuff to do…”

Brandon: “And uh…I’ve got…Uh…”

Adrian: “You two have fun now.”

[Adrian quickly gets up and exits the room.]

Kaycee: “Yay! I can show you all my spiffy new outfits!”

Brandon: “You sonofabitch! Don’t leave me here with her!”

[Fade.]