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[TKOW Board]

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Live from Humphrey Coliseum, Starkville, Mississippi


TKOW TV Title Match
Bob Lancelot vs "The Arizona Assasin" Adrian Tanner, Jr.


Scheduled to Appear
TKOW Champion Phoenix

"Deacon" Carpenter

Matt Griffen

Nick Collyer

Jace Mingla

Dan "Cypher" Kilburn

Trine

Lady Hawke

"The Android" Johnathon Doberman

"The Devastator" Jack Sullivan

"The Irish Bastard" Spanky McPipebomb

Also

An interview with "The Riot" Tobias Burden

---------------------------------------------------------

Remember the RP rules. The first promo via PM to the TKOW Board account is due Saturday, May 19th at 11:59 p.m. Eastern Time. The response promo (in promo thread) and On-the-Spot promo deadline is Wednesday, May 23rd at 11:59 p.m. Eastern Time. Segments are due in the 24th and match votes (from every handler!) are due in by the 25th. On-the-Spot will be open during the promo period if you want to take your promo battle beyond the regular promo allowance or for extra credit. Remember! O-t-S is shoot/trash talk ONLY! Any character development should be posted in the CD forum during the promo period to count for extra credit.

[Onslaught]

It was the dead of night and Jace Mingla’s body had been fighting exhaustion for about three hours, and now he was losing his desperate struggle to stay awake. Jace picked himself up out of the chair adjacent to his son’s hospital bed and shuffled into the hall. Some of the night shift nurses cast glances at him as he walked past. Jace paid them no mind and made his way to the soda machine for a quick caffeine fix. Jace retrieved his soda and started to make his way back towards Sam’s room. There was no way he was going to fall asleep on his son, no matter how inviting it seemed. To Jace, doing so would seem too much like abandoning him…

…plus, deep down inside, when Jace cut through all the mental barriers and bullshit he erected, he was terrified his son would die while he slept.

Jace knew the chance of that happening was very small, the boy was not well but stable enough, but still he couldn’t shake the irrational thought that Sam could slip away from him as soon as he let his guard down. Jace purposefully avoided the glances from the nurses so they couldn’t see the wetness begin to well up in the corners of his eyes. And in so doing he became more inwardly enraged…TKOW’s resident merciless badass hiding the fact that he was starting to cry like a fucking baby. It almost made him sick to his stomach, but even these feelings of shame didn’t compare to the unbridled terror he felt for his son. And as Jace reentered Sam’s room, his level of terror spiked. Another man was seated in the very place that Jace had just vacated. The man was aged, and wearing a black leather trench coat with a black cap made of a similar material. The man was not menacing Sam in any way, but still Jace could glean something peculiar about him. But paramount over all of that, Jace feared him…because he was a mere foot from his sleeping son.

So Jace reacted to this man he feared the same way he reacted to all things he feared. With anger.

Jace (hissing): If you don’t get the fuck out of here…

Jace whispered, but suddenly realized that he may still wake his son. Almost as though reading his mind, the old man looked up at Jace and raised his finger to his mouth.

Old Man: Shhhh….

Jace simply stood dumbfounded for a moment before mustering a response.

Jace (whispering menacingly): Who the hell are you, and why are you in my son’s room?

Old Man (whispering back): I assure you, I mean your son no harm. Perhaps we should continue this conversation in the hall?

Jace grimaced, but acquiesced because he knew he would gain nothing by potentially waking and frightening his son. The stranger walked past Jace and Jace followed him into the hall.

Jace: You better start fucking talking. Who are you and why were you in my son’s room?

Old Man: Your anger is justified, and I apologize for my intrusion. But, you must understand that I have long wanted to meet you.

Jace (rolling his eyes): Jesus, you’re a fan? Great, but excuse me if I call bullshit on that because you’re not in TKOW’s demographic.

Old Man: I’m not a fan of TKOW, Jace, I’m a fan of YOU.

Jace: Whatever. I don’t do autographs, especially not for creepy fucks who walk into my kid’s room when he’s by himself. You’re damn lucky I don’t want to make a scene…

Old Man: STOP.

The stranger held up his hand and gave the order. He didn’t shout, but his voice was powerful and resolute. Jace actually stopped speaking and found himself dumbfounded again. There were very few people who would have the audacity to cut him off like that. Jace studied him for moment, and despite the fact that he could easily kill this man he found no fear in his eyes. Just a profound sort of quiet confidence. This man was a leader, Jace had been around enough of them to know one when he saw one.

Old Man: You have become all too accustomed to looking a gift horse in the mouth. And for a man as intelligent as you, you have been acting quite stupidly for some time now.

Jace felt the urge to drag this bastard outside and beat him until he died, but knew there was no way to do it quietly and without bringing the police down around his head. He’d have to hurt him later, out in the parking lot when he goes to his car. The parking garage was no doubt isolated enough at this time of night…

Old Man: Even now, you want to kill me for my insolence. The hate is literally dripping from you…I can feel it! But I implore you to give what I have to say some consideration. You are acting rashly and stupidly, and if there is one thing I know we both agree on is the fact that stupidity is the worst sin one can commit.

The old man paused and studied Jace for a moment.

Jace: Fuck you.

Jace turned and started to walk away, but the man grabbed hold of his arm. Jace wheeled on him.

Old Man: Strike me down oh vengeful God…but do so with repercussions….

The old man looked towards Sam’s room, and despite the rage boiling in him Jace did nothing more than pull his arm out of the old man’s grasp. Jace could see he had no way out of this now, not without a scene. He smirked.

Jace: “Oh vengeful God”? My…don’t you have a flair for the dramatic…

Old Man: If I have such flair, then you share it. You have said yourself that you liken yourself to a God, have you not?

Jace: Not for some time…

Old Man: No, not for some time…but I have followed you intently since that time because you, even unwittingly, serve as the embodiment of the Left Hand Path.

Jace: What the hell are you talking about…?

Old Man: God’s are a fallacy, your son’s meaningless illness is a testament to that. The only God that truly exists is within ourselves…within our own desires, dreams, and passions.

Jace: I agree, in theory. But I don’t feel like talking about this shit right now.

Old Man: You’ve talked to the devil…?

Jace was taken aback by the old man’s bold question.

Old Man: You have stated that you believe you are doing the devil’s work for the benefit of your son….is that correct?

Jace: Yeah, I said it on TV. What’s your point?

Old Man: You didn’t talk to the devil, Jace. The devil isn’t real…the devil is a symbol, an allegory for our own individualism and primal instinct. The devil is you, Jace….

Jace: Listen, do you not understand the meaning of the term “What’s your point?”

The old man sighs.

Old Man: You are indeed in no mood for this. Right now, you can’t see past your fears for your son. Go back to your son Jace. You’ll find something that will help alleviate some of those fears. I will return to you in due time and we shall talk again. It was a pleasure meeting you.

The old man smiles at him and turns away from him, walking down the hall and into its dimly lit recesses. Jace shakes his head and mutters a curse. He walks back into his room and back to his seat, but in so doing notices something he failed to notice before. On Sam’s bed was an envelope. Jace picked it up and opened it. There was cash inside, and a note.

I know you are not as financially stable as you once were, and fear not being able to cover all of your son’s expenses. This should help. We will speak again.

-Anton

Jace’s fingers began to sift through the huge wad of bills. He stopped counting at around $20,000.

[Havok]

“Bob Lancelot….”

[The scene opens up to The Arizona Assassin Adrian Tanner walking down the streets of Tucson, Arizona. He has on blue jeans, black adidas shoes and a black t-shirt that reads “I just murdered Platinum Pat and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.” He also has the Hardkore World Australian Heavyweight Championship on one shoulder and the TKOW Television Championship on the other.]

Adrian Tanner: “I know what you’re asking yourself, Bob. ‘How can Adrian Tanner already have the TKOW Tv Title when the match hasn’t happened yet?’ I know by know you’re freaking out, probably got your huge-tittied girlfriend rummaging through the trashcan that is your suitcase just to make sure that little title’s still there.”

“Don’t worry your precious little head there, Bobbo. It’s still there.”

“Or maybe it isn’t.”

[Adrian shifts his weight on the left shoulder, readjusting the Tv title.]

Adrian: “But why then, right? Why am I walking around with two championships I don’t yet actually own? Heh, wouldn’t you like to know? I don’t know, Bobbo. Maybe these are just high-quality replicas I bought to fuck with your head. Or maybe this is a promo from the future, set just days after simultaneously killing Platinum Pat, and becoming both the TKOW Television Champion and Hardkore Australian Champion all in one quick swoop.”

“Take your pick.”

[Adrian smiles that cocky smirk that you hate.]

Adrian: “Either way, it’s a bit of a mind-fuck isn’t it? Seeing me walking around with ‘your’ championship just days before we’re about to face off for it. I know it’d mess me up.”

“That is, If I weren’t me and all.”

[More smirking.]

Adrian: “At Megabowl V, I competed in what was supposed to be my final match in TKOW. The ‘King of Submissions’ Invitational. It was supposed to be the Grande finale, the coup de ta…my last stand, if you wiiiil. I went in with one goal: ‘cement my legacy in TKOW.’ But that goal got a little sidetracked thanks to Jace Mingla and the ineptitude that is the Rising Sun.”

[Adrian shifts his weight, again readjusting the title belts on his shoulders.]

Adrian: “I have no shame in losing to Jace Minga. That doesn’t mean I plan on ever losing to him again, but that guy’s one sick mo-fo. Plus at the time he was a representative of SWAT, so it kinda felt like ‘taking one for the team.’ But there is something I do have a problem with…”

“People have been asking me every day why I came back to TKOW after I said I wouldn’t be back. And well…I’m not gonna tell you why. Those are my reasons. However, one reason I did come back was to right a wrong. That ‘wrong’ belongs to one Bob Lancelot. Now, granted, since I wasn’t the one who got pinned I didn’t actually LOSE that match, but I was a part of the team and thus it does kinda count as a loss.
Bob Lancelot was Jace Mingla’s tag team partner in the KoS, and thus ‘technically’ holds some sort of slight ‘victory’ over yours truly.”

Adrian: “And that…I just cannot allow. I mean c’mon…you’re BOB LANCELOT. What the holy fuck have you EVER done in anyone’s eyes? Ever?”

“Me? I’m Adrian fuckin Tanner. I hold victories over legends of this sport like Vile “Vince” Viper, Tommy Danger, RHIII, and even my own friend and tag partner Syberus. I eat jobbers like you like a fat kid eats cake!”

Adrian: “At Holiday Hell, I did what I said I’d do and cemented my place in TKOW history. And I earned a contract for any match, with any person, for any title, any where, anytime I want it. But I also earned a #1 contendership for the TKOW Television Championship.”

“At Mass Khaos, I’m going to put my 2nd prize to very good use, and I’m going to rectify the wrong that was Megabowl V’s King of Submissions’ Invitational by beating you like the red-headed step child you probably are.”

Adrian: “Then, once I’ve beaten you to a bloody, gooey mess, I’m gonna drop you like a bad habit with the smoking gun that is my Revolver as I take what’s left of your dignity, what’s left of your pride…Your Television Championship!”

“The end is motherfucking nigh, Bobbo! It’s time to take out the trash and usher in a new era of awesomeness! The Adrian Tanner era!”

“That’s the story. Deal with it. So sayeth your NEW Television Champion.”

[Fade.]

[Phoenix]

A bell tolls in the distance.

Metatron: And so it was, that at Holiday Hell, the Lord Our Savior rose above the flames, above the atrocities, above the sinners, and rained down furious vengeance on those that opposed him with great fury. He has once more delivered to us the sacred object. Let us rejoice.

A bell tolls, closer, the sound rising over a light wind. The scene fades in on a grassy mountaintop, completely nondescript except for the beauty of the landscape. A smattering of boulders is in the center of the frame. On one, stands the Metatron, the voice of Lord Phoenix, the God of Fire, the Overseer of Pain and Suffering. Under the Metatron, on a smaller outcropping of rock, rests the sacred object, the TKOW "Fiery" Title, with Phoenix' nameplate polished to a shine. To one side, sits the Lord himself, still in leather straps, chains, and rags. To the other side, Deacon Carpenter, holding a heavy book.

Carpenter: I shall read from the holy book of sacred beatings, Chapter TKOW, paragraph 8, line 8. "And on this day, Phoenix bathed in the fire, and the fire did not burn him. The bullet inside his shoulder burned, his skin and muscles cried in agony, but He did not flinch, lest Jace Mingla find his hasty retreat."

You see, brothers and sisters, what we have here is a reminder. A reminder that there is no one in TKOW that can hold a candle to this man, this deity. He has shown you all, time and time again, that he cannot bow down to the laws of man, or to the pain of lesser beings. He rises above.

Carpenter flips a few pages, and continues.

Carpenter: "And though he cast himself on the bomb of flames, he was not hurt, nor scorched, nor singed. He remained unscathed, as he faced down Soulfly."

Past, present, and far into the future, this is who you must all look up to. This is the man you must respect. He's earned that and more, and for those of you that don't give it to him, you know what to expect. Look at what sent Jace Mingla running to SWAT. Look at what put Tobias Burden out of Holiday Hell. Look at Kid Styles.

Look at Aello.

Phoenix growls, but doesn't move a muscle.

Carpenter: At New Era, Phoenix and Matt Griffen will meet, in steel, in barbed wire, in my playground, one on one, to sanctify Our Lord's rebirth. Phoenix will leave Matt Griffen a broken, bleeding, pile of flesh on the ground, as he annoints himself and the sacred object with the blood of the forsaken. Then, we will truly be above all. And to prove that very fact, between now and then, we will take on all you heathens, in the ring, in the back, in the parking lot, we will cleanse you all, one at a time, just like we did to Spanky McPipebomb just a week ago.

A low, angry growl eminates from Phoenix, and he turns to the camera, his masked face shrouded by his hood.

Phoenix: The end... begins here... at Mass Khaos... it is time... time to burn... time to bleed... time to pray.

Pray for your sins, pray for forgiveness, pray for mercy.

It won't come.

The end is near. Reckoning... is at hand.

You think you know. You have no idea...

Fade.

[Bob Lancelot]

Bob Lancelot is standing backstage, he has the TKOW Television Championship drapped over his shoulder. Most of the bandages we saw last show are now removed and he is out of his wheelchair. He looks angry as he begins to speak.

Lancelot: Power - You stupid son of a bitch! Didn't you hear what I said the last show? Didn't you believe me when I told you I couldn't wrestle for 6 months? Do you think I am a liar? Dammit! I am the TKOW Television Champion, why would I lie!..... Well, against mine, and my doctor's better judgement - I will be there to beat Tanner on Sunday 27th - and I might just beat your ass too.

Lancelot shakes his head in disgust.

Lancelot: Tanner - do you know how many times people have stepped up to try and take my title from me? Do you know how many have succeeded? One. That's right, Carpenter took my title from me a little over a year ago....but I got it back and since that moment, NOBODY has come anywhere close to removing this baby from around my waist. Tanner, you may be good, heck, you may even be great - but you aren't no Carpenter - and you certanley aren't no Bob Lancelot.

Lancelot pauses for a second, looks at his belt and then grins, looking back at the camera.

Lancelot: It was my destiny to become the first TKOW Double Crown Champion...but that dream came to an end at Holiday Hell....for now.... but one day I will live my dream and become the biggest legend this business has ever known! Adrian Tanner, you are the first obsticle in my way to back to gaining legendary status....and I could be considered the first obstacle in your way to gain that same legendary status, because you too could...in time... could become the first TKOW Double Crown Champion - but first you have to beat me and guess what? It aint gonna happen!

Lancelot: I get bored of saying the same thing over and over, week after week, show after show. It's the same thing every time - some idiot steps up and tries to take my belt from me and they fail. Tanner - you know why there is only one main feud at the moment in TKOW? The reason is me! People face The Hardcore Superstar Bob Lancelot and then they get cold feet and leave the fed.
As I said, I'm tired about saying the same thing every week, so I am going to change my tune - I am going to take this to a new level...... I am going to say this in a way you will understand more easily.......ug ug ug... ooo ug ug wa wa maaggaa wooga. That's Caveman for "When the fuck will you people learn that I am fucking unstoppable". Tanner next week you will learn first hand why nobody has taken my title from me for over a year. The last time we met was at Megabowl V, the King of the Submission's invitational, and guess who won? Jace Mingla and Bob Lancelot. I took the best you had and stood right back up and laid your ass out whilst Jace made your partner Rising Sun tap like a little bitch. Speaking of bitches - let me introduce you to my little bitch - my fiance, Claire Matthews!

Claire Matthews walks on camera, she is wearing tight denim jeans and a pink pushup bikini-bra.

Claire: The last time you people had the pleasure of seeing my lovely assests was at Holiday Hell....unless of course you picked up a copy of April's Playboy Magazine, where I was the covergirl.... anyway, I was injured pretty bad with a grade 2 concussion after Lady Hawke blasted me in the face with the TKOW Championship Title belt - that was unprovoked and I class it as assault, and I may be considering taking legal action on Lady Hawke in the near future! If it was not for Lady Hawke - Bob might very well be the TKOW Double Crown Champion right now! But you know what? It doesn't matter, because some day in the very near future Bob will become the TKOW Double Crown Champion, he just has to beat Tanner at Mass Khaos.....then the next step will be Phoenix or Griffen and imortality will belong to Bob!

Lancelot: Tanner, you better forget becoming a TKOW Double Crown Champion, because, lets face it, you won't even be able to beat me! Tanner, at Mass Khaos, I will be making a statement, a statement to show that I am deserved of being the TKOW Double Crown Champion - and the focus of the statement will be you.

Lancelot grabs Claire and begins to make out with her before pushing her away and shoving the TKOW Television Championship belt toward the camera.

[Kahlan - R.I.P.]

The sound of a calliope dominates and Griffen looks into the camera.

Matt: Mass Khaos, May 27, 2007. Where Lancelot and Tanner have their face off and the rest of us, well… who knows?

Griffen moves, revealing his image to be that of a mirror’s reflection as the surrounding frame is exposed. He steps before another, his image distorted, lengthening, making him taller.

Matt: Perhaps I’ll be facing the Android. It’s rare for me to fight someone taller. It would be a change, especially if he is as good as his past title history suggests. A kindred spirit in the brutality department. Two men who would rather kick back and have fun, enjoy ourselves until it becomes necessary to become brutal hulks out to decimate our opponents.

Griffen shifts to another mirror, this time his entire form morphing to a normal, but somewhat smaller reflection of himself.

Matt: Then there’s Collyer, another man with hardcore tendencies. An admirable trait of fighting, never underestimating his opponent. Battling until it’s over… and then some. Taking Tanner to his limits and earning the respect of the TKOW audience… quite a feat. Then…

Griffen shifts to another mirror, this time the upper portion is warped, disfiguring the face with, oddly enough, the hint of horns…

Matt: …there’s Mingla. Once the scourge of TKOW with his ‘children’ A Violent Reaction. He now returns, fighting to save his true son from the cancer that ravages him. Mingla believes the brutality he serves upon others will save him. The question is… does his son know? Does he wish to be ‘saved’ in such a manner? He interfered in the Prince of Hell, only to find himself on the receiving end with a little help from me and his former protégé.

Griffen steps back, his face reconfiguring in the mirror… until his greenish eyes become large… similar to sunglass shades.

Matt: Kilburn, Cypher, the “Sharp Dressed Man” himself, just managing to best Adrian, which isn’t easy to do. Will this be our first battle? Which of us will walk out in victory and the other defeat? You’ve taken out men larger than yourself, smaller than yourself, and all in between. Will it be time to see if you can outdo a grphyon of a man?

Once again Griffen shifts and his figure becomes more shapely… as in an hourglass.

Matt: My fiancé? Would anyone have the nerve to have us fight one another? It has yet to be done… except behind closed—OW!

A piece of bright, hard candy knocks him upside the head as he grins. Lady Hawke walks into the scene, followed by the masked Trine. Hawke points a finger at Griffen, whistling, then reaches up and thwaps him over the head with her writing pad.

Matt: Hey!!! You messed me up and I only had Trine, Sullivan and the OTHER Irishman to go, besides the Church.

He moves before the mirrors, each of the distorting his image in some way… with the 3rd next to last having a tartan painted upon it. Skye shakes her head at his mirrors as several kids run past them, one stopping in the next to last, which has “Jason” mask upon it. They grab it and run. Griffen takes off after them.

Matt: Hey!! That’s mine!

Skye and Trine step back outside, the music becoming louder, along with the sounds of carnival games and rides. She writes on her pad.

Trine: Mass Khaos will be my first time in the ring officially. I’ll have a lot to prove, not only to the man who hired me, but to my new partner as well.

Hawke looks up, glaring as she writes.

Trine: I’m game for anyone who wants to have a shot at me. I’m moreso for anyone who dares to abuse the woman beside me in any shape, manner, or form that is not in a sportsman-like manner of the game. That includes anyone of you who are on the TKOW roster or in the future. Whether you wear a skirt, jeans, boots, heels or any combination of the like. Don’t believe me? Try me.

She holds up the pad.

Writing on Pad: Not even I know what our next meeting will have in store, but I am not afraid to stand against ANY of you in TKOW. I believe most of you have been around enough to know so that I can fight as good as my word. You new guys had better just do some research and learn about me before picking me out for an easy target… as Sullivan learned last Mass Khaos.

Here’s a special word to Carpenter and Phoenix. You want to frighten me? Go ahead. You, Phoenix, know best of what I can become when necessary. You remember our match where I bloodied your face and I wouldn’t have stopped had it not been for T.H. You saw what I did back in Louisville summer before last. Is that what you wish to reawaken? Is it really? You had better be fucking sure, because once it’s out, may you have mercy upon yourself.

Griffen shows up behind Hawke and bunny ears her with a huge grin. He slaps her ass with the mask, earning a stiff stomp to his foot and an elbow to his gut without a glance back. She strides off, Trine following. Griffen chuckles then catches up.

Matt: *fading in the carnival noise* Hey, Trine… any idea on how to give a wedgie to a guy in a kilt….

[T.H. Power]

As the shot opens, T.H. Power, large and in charge, keepin his pimp hand strong yo, reppin the bitches and the hoes, is watching a promo for a new TV ad. The ad in question?

The Diamond VISAMasterDiscoExpress Card, exclusively from PowerCo.

In the ad, T.H. is seen buying Trump Towers, Vince McMahon's hair, the Golden Gate Bridge, Dark Horse Comics, and Apple, all with the VISAMasterDiscoExpress Card. At the end of the commecial, T.H. drops the tagline "No limits. Just more stuff. The PowerCard. Don't buy Rome, without it."

Smiling, seemingly satisfied with himself, T.H. turns to the camera, brandishing the Diamond card in his hand.

T.H. Power: Do you have any idea, the amount of money I needed to get VISA, MasterCard, Amex, and Discover to all brand this thing? Nevermind the cost of making a credit card out of diamond. Sure Amex has their little titanium card. But psshh. Who cares about metal. It's all about jewels these days. And lemme tell ya, this magnetic strip? Replaced once a week. My lord...

Power slides the card into a special holder... made out of three cut down titanium Amex cards.

T.H. Power: We have New Era coming up, and not that many people ready to duke it out properly. It's a bit disheartening, but to be honest, it just pisses me off. Those other places, they're doing well, and they suck. They put their asskissers and cocksuckers ahead of real talent, and still, no one cares.

But Phoenix, Phoenix books himself the title. Thus TKOW is a diseased animal.

T.H. punches a few keys on his keyboard, scans the computer screen, nods slightly, and refocuses on the camera.

T.H. Power: The way I see it, we've been this diseased animal for nearly 18 months. 18 months of the same trials and tribulations that would have killed another company. But we, HPWA & TKOW, limped on, hungering for more.

Disease, limping, hunger...

That's right folks. Welcome to Resident Evil: Wrestling. 28 Shows Later. Curtain Jerker of the Dead.

Are you picking up what I'm putting down here??

Power grabs his remote and pushes a button, and a poster drops down behind him. The poster is standard TKOW Mass Khaos fare...

But every member of the roster is decaying, bones protruding, blod spattered...

T.H. Power: Zombies motherfuckers. TKOW is now officially the Most Hated UndeadFed on the Planet.

Ok, maybe not OFFICIALLY.

But you get the drift.

We won't die. Ever. No matter how many people don't show up, no matter how many fans stop hoping that Phoenix will lose the title, no matter how many "repulsive" things that John guy does on camera, we keep going anf going, looking for the flesh of live feds to feed on.

In the year that we've been famished, a hundred feds have risen and fallen. In that year, another hundred never even rose. In that year, a hundred stars faltered and left the game.

And we persevered.

T.H. pushes the button again, and the poster pulls back out of the frame.

T.H. Power: TKOW can't die. It's just the way it is. While scum like Amy Chastaine cheat their way to the top of the most bullshit list in wrestling history, TKOW trucks along. While Soutter retires and unretires more times than Michael Jackson's skin color has changed, TKOW trucks along. While Hardkore loses it's edge... TKOW trucks along.

We're always going to be here, waiting in the wings, watching the rest of you flounder and die, waiting to feed on your carcasses. And I'm going to be at the forefront, leading the hungry mob. That's why at Mass Khaos, I'm facing one of you poor bastards on the TKOW roster in a match. Someone is going down for the boss Sunday night.

I only hope whoever it is has big ta-tas.

Fade.

[Harpuia]

BOOM!

The camera fades into Communist John's giant, barenaked, white asshole. The giant glob of ass bobs up and down with the camera. Another camera shows John, completely naked, with his... green cucumber penis? pixellated, doing the bobbing to that camera, while grinning in a stupid, almost orgasmic manner.

Communist John: Heehee! Me so horny!

Kilburn: Are you done yet?

John farts.

Communist John: Yeah. Heehee!

Apophis: I swear to God, you're like an animal sometimes.

Communist John: Thank you!!!!!

The camera shows Kilburn and Apophis shaking their heads in shame at Communist John. Apophis is holding what seems to be a book. Dan turns to the camera and starts to speak.

Kilburn: Today, we decided to do things a little bit different. We don't have opponents, and quite frankly, we don't care. We came on just to make TKOW a little more miserable. Kinda like Jace Mingla.

Apophis: Shit, that's one ass even John don't want to fuck.

Communist John: Heehee!

Kilburn: See, we know that many of the tens and tens of those TKOW fans out there think that the Bayou Street Mafia were a group that was all slapped up together in the last minute because we all wanted to see how much fun it was to watch Communist John throw small globs of shit at the audience.

Communist John: 246 feet is the current record by the way! Me so horny!

Apophis: Could have sworn it was 245.6...

Kilburn just shakes his head.

Kilburn: The truth is we are all very good friends...

Apophis: Except John.

Kilburn: And we all decided to hang out one day and make this group because we know that we can be unstoppable.

Apophis: Then we grabbed John by his cucumber penis and used him as the dog. Well, he smells like one most times anyway.

Kilburn: And it's time the rest of TKOW take notice. That goes from the Church of Pain and Suffering...

Communist John: Heehee... Pain and Suffering make me horny!!!!

Kilburn: To The Android, an obsolete model from about... I dunno... ten minutes ago or something. Android Johnathan Microsoft I think his name is.

Apophis: Ain't it Doberman?

Kilburn: Oh right, Doberman.

Apophis: What about that Bob Lancelot guy... I know John wants to grab that girl's tits again.

Kilburn: He's got a match.

Apophis: Doesn't mean I don't wanna piss him off.

Apophis summons the camera closer.

Apophis: Hey Claire! Here's a little address to ya, and I ain't talking about the ones you take off in your promos.

Apophis grabs John by the neck, and John just grins dopily at the camera as Apophis speaks in the background.

Apophis: You're looking at the fucker who went to second base with you once, and you are going to be damn sure to get another shot at him again in the near future. Look at the poor man, he misses you! He just wants a good fuck! And your boyfriend Bob Lancelot can't give it to him, so why don't you please help this poor homeless fellow?

Kilburn: Homeless? He has a house... and a girlfriend.

Apophis: That shitstain was a house?

Communist John: Heehee! I like to eat... heehee... McDonald's.........

heeeeeeeeeeeee..........

Apophis lets John go and the camera pans back to all three of them. Kilburn and Apophis standing, and John fucking the floor.

Kilburn: Come next Mass Khaos, we'll be ready for whatever fuckers wanna cross our path. You know it!

Apophis: This has been a message from the Bayou Street Mafia saying...

Kilburn and Apophis flips two birds in the air.

Kilburn & Apophis: Go fuck yourselves!

John suddenly stands up.

Communist John: Or I'll do it for you! HEEHEE!

John farts.

Kilburn: Oh... fuck... where's my Hazmat suit...

The camera fades to black.

[Onslaught]

Jace is seated backwards in a chair, his arms draped over the back. He slowly raises his head to look at the camera.

Jace: Power, I'm going to start with you. And I'm gonna cut through all the bullshit. When I came back to TKOW, I pretty much told everybody to fuck off. I came in a raging inferno of hate, which is nothing new for me. I'll be the first to admit I am a misreable, rotten son of a bitch. You know it, the boys in the back know it, and I know it. I know you hate my guts, and frankly I hate yours too, for reasons too numerous to get into here. But if there are two things I know about you its that you are about as materialistic as they come, and you are obscenely competitive. Just look at your last segment, simultaneously flaunting your wealth and critisizing other fed heads who have nothing to do with TKOW.

In short, you are a stereotypical rich white male. Overachieving, conservative, money hungry, inwardly insecure, and combative to the Nth degree. So, when I came into TKOW saying I was going to fuck everybody up, your stereotypical rich white male response was to puff up your chest and say, "Fuck you. I have a bigger dick than you, and I'm better than you." Whatever.

So here's my point: No matter how much we hate each other, and no matter how thick headed YOU are, there will always be one bottom line I can use to appeal to you. THE bottom line.

Money, Power, money.

You want more money...hell, you always want more money so you can buy more diamond plated credit cards or whatever stupid shit you're babbling about. And TKOW sure as hell needs more money. So...how do wrestling feds get money? This is an easy one Mr. Wrestling Promoter to End All Wrestling Promoters, but I'll answer it for you anyway. Feuds. And do you remember my feud with Phoenix before I left? That shit was a license to print money. And I can bet you that since I left you have not had a feud as intense and engaging as that. Lets face it, hate and violence buys viewers and puts asses in the seats. And what have you been headlining with while I've gone? The continuing saga of Matt Griffen and Phoenix.

Matt fucking Griffen and Phoenix.

Matt Griffen is about as bland and boring a wrestler as you can get. That guy couldn't muster up enough venom to kill a kitten. He is a brain dead "Good 'Ol Boy" hick retard. And Phoenix has become a complete and utter waste of space, starting up some moronic cult that has failed so miserably only his own brother will drink the Kool-Aid.

Face facts Power. YOUR main event scene is better with ME in it. Nobody....NOBODY....knows how to turn TKOW on its head and skull fuck it like I do. And thats what brings in all the depraved little sheeple's cash. Don't screw with me Power, and don't screw with your bottom line. Put me where I belong. On top! Stop bragging about how TKOW is an unstoppable zombie fed that won't die and start putting asses in the seats. Because even zombies can die with a bullet to the head. Me on the other hand? I've done the whole bullet to the head thing and LIVED. I can carry this fed...but only as soon as you swallow your pride and your hate and make the business decision that needs to be made.

Oh, and as for you Griffen? Does my son know about what I do and how I'm saving him? Of course not! But what your country bumpkin mindset fails to see is that this is a "means to an end world"....and beating people in TKOW is the means to my end of saving a teenage child's life. You want to do the "good guy" thing? STOP STEALING MY SPOT AT THE TOP! Because everything I do here is for him...what are you doing this for? Some bitch who Phoenix beat up? Your own ego? Any reason you can come up with PALES in comparison to me SAVING THE LIFE of my son!

Jace suddenly looks a little disgusted. He gets up from his seat.

Jace: I'm done here...

The image fades out.

[Bob Lancelot]

As the camera fades in, we see Bob Lancelot standing holding his TKOW Television Championship belt. He is wearing jeans and a Bob Lancelot "Holiday Hell" TKOW Double Crown Champion T-shirt that he had printed up before the PPV.

Lancelot: I am wearing this T-shirt because it symbolizes a lot, it symbolizes my hopes, my dreams and my aspirations - it symbolizes what could have been, what still could be, but what wasn't. Adrian Tanner - I had fifteen hundred of these shirts printed the week before Holiday Hell, thats how confident I was that I would win the TKOW World Championship and become the First TKOW Double Crown Champion....and guess what, it didn't happen. Ten thousand dollars down the drain, fifteen hundred lousy T-shirts that tell a blatant lie. I made the mistake of envisioning my dreams before they actually happened.

Bob shakes his head as he removes the T-shirt and tosses it to one side.

Lancelot: Adrian, you may or may not know that I was born in England, I am a huge football fan....or soccer as you yanks like to call it. Two years ago Liverpool came back from 3-0 down to beat AC Milan in the Champions League final.... do you know why Adrian? It was not because they played better than them, it was not because AC Milan played badly, because they didn't - the reason Liverpool beat AC Milan is because it was writen in destiny. When the two sides walked onto the pitch and they saw that trophy standing in front of them several of the Milan players touched that cup, they treated it like it was already won. Liverpool play Milan again tonight, two years on from that night in Istanbull - but I very much doubt that the Milan players will touch the trophy tonight.

Lancelot: And yet I sit here and I see one Adrian Tanner Jr holding MY belt, you have your grubby little mitts on MY belt, now I know for a fact that belt is a replica, because I never leave sight of my championship, but that is not the point. The point is that you holding MY belt just a week before I defend it against you symbolizes a hell of a lot. Tanner, did your mother ever teach you to respect those superior to you? Because you sure as hell aren't showing a lot of respect to me right now. Adrian, there is a reason I didn't become the TKOW Double Crown Champion, there is a reason Milan didn't win the Champions Leage and that reason is that we both thaught we were better than we actually were. We both took our eye off the target and looked at the prize, and I am sorry to say that you too have made the same stupid mistake. By holding MY belt before it is your belt, you have already sealed the fate of the match, the result is set in stone - Bob Lancelot will retain the TKOW Television Championship.

Bob grins as he looks at his belt.

Lancelot: Besides, your replica was nowhere near as beautiful as this.

Lancelot: So, Tanner, when we meet on Sunday, you can expect two things. Number 1 - Expect to get your ass beaten like you have never, ever experienced before.....and Number 2 - Bob Lancelot will be leaving with the gold wrapped around his waist, because when it comes down to it, the inferiority of the "Harkore" World Kangaroo Chumpion, Adrian Tanner cannot match up to might, the power, the whit and the skill of The Hardcore Superstar, the TKOW Television Champion, Bob Lancelot. But I wish you good luck, because I know you will need it, because if I need to, I will take you places that you have never been before, I will show you things you could never even imagine, I will rip you limb from limb, make you hurt, make you bleed, make you suffer, I will scratch, I will bite, I will claw my way to victory, I will hit you with things you have never been hit with before, I will throw stuff at you, I will take you to hell and back - as long as I retain MY Television Championship I will do whatever it takes. Adrian Tanner Jr, on Sunday I know you will bring it all, you will be on top of your game, but I will be that much better, I will be that much sharper, I will be that much keaner. When it comes down to it, we are both human beings, we both have bad days, we both make mistakes....but there is one major difference between me and you, I am like the drunk, who once he has tasted Chardonnay cannot go back to the cheap plonk you buy from a convinence store, I cannot go back to curtain jerking shows - I need to be in the main event...and to be in the main event I need the Television Championship around my waist, and that is where it will be staying. I have tasted it before, I have dined on the table of Champions in a company that actually means something, whilst you are like the skinny dog eating the scraps of an inferior championship off of the table of an inferior organisation. So bring it on Sunday, bring it all, because I need a feast.

[Harpuia]

Kilburn is simply sitting in the dark thinking to himself, still not knowing who his opponent for the next Mass Khaos is. He simply sits there, and starts to think. He then looks up at the camera and starts to stare directly... very coldly... his eyes suddenly turn blue... his expression turning cold... cold as ice...

Ok... enough of that.

The camera moves back, plays some country music and Dan's eyes again turn brown, Dan wearing a smile on his face.

Kilburn: Woo! My life looked like an ice sculpture there for a second.

Anyway, back to my list of losers I have to trash talk. Basically the list of people with balls.. but not brains, rather than the other way around. See, the list of "The Sharp Dressed Man" is divided into two groups. There's people with brains without balls, and people with balls without brains. Then there's people with both, and people with neither. Allow me to show you this chart.

Dan walks up to a chalkboard and gets out a piece of chalk. The chalkboard reads:

Balls and Brains:
Me
Apophis

Balls without brains:
TKOW the Zombie Fed
Communist John

Brains without Balls:
Katie
"Android" Johnathan Macintosh

No Brains, No Balls, No Service:
Jace Mingla
Phoenix
Carpenter
Phoenix's Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Kilburn: As you can see, it's a four-tiered system. You have first...

He points to the top section.

Kilburn: People with balls and brains. They're the cool people, the normal people. And see? Myself and Apophis is on it. Shion would be added but she's a girl. Next...

He slides the chalk down to the second section.

Kilburn: Balls without brains. Pratically all of TKOW is in this category since they're in a federation that just won't die, but seems to be struggling... to say the least, and of course Communist John. Because that's all he is sometimes...

One... giant... penis.

Next!

He strolls down to the third section.

Kilburn: Brains but no balls. Yeah, I said no girls, but some of us think Katie is really a guy... I mean... why else would John go after her, for looking... feminine? Bullshit. And finally, we have The Android Johnathan Microsoft... err... Macintosh... err... fuck it. Let's move on.

He strolls down to the last section.

Kilburn: And finally, you have people with neither. They have pussies where their balls should be but since they can't even wear A-cup bras, they're posing around as men since they're stupid enough to act like dumb brawly men anyway. I'm talking about Jace Mingla, Phoenix, Carpenter, and Phoenix's church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster... at least that's what I think they worship anyway.

He puts down the chalk.

Kilburn: Anyway... it...

He is then interrupted by a voice and a bright flash of light, almost blinding.

???: How dare you!

He looks around.

Kilburn: What the hell? Who the hell is that?

???: It is I! The voice of God! I am the Meta Voltron!!!!

Kilburn: Meta Voltron?

Meta Voltron!: No you moron. It's Meta Voltron! Exclamation and all! The exclamation point added to make me feel important about myself because my dad raped me when I was ten!

Kilburn: Don't you mean Metatron?

Meta Voltron!: Eh... this is my real name on my free time. The full name is Meta Hillary Voltron. But who will listen to a guy with a middle name of Hillary?

Kilburn: So what the hell are you doing in my house?

Meta Voltron!: I finished defending the universe... I mean, doing my job for God so now I just look around and go all FBI on ya'lls. That and go play golf with Gabriel and Michael. Did you know Michael tried out for the PGA tour once?

Kilburn: I'm not exactly one with religion...

Meta Voltron!: Oh, but you should. Religion rocks dude! You should...

Kilburn: Eh... how about I just go get another Jack Daniels.

Dan simply walks away.

Meta Voltron!: Hey... wait... come back! Seriously dude... come back!

A door is closed.

Meta Voltron!: I'll give you a cookie?

Pause.

Meta Voltron!: Aw, come on! Do it for Shion! Who can resist such a cute face?

It starts to fade to black.

Meta Voltron!: Hey... come on! What the hell?!?

Fade to black.

Scene ends.