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[TKOW Board]

"The Arizona Assassin" Adrian Tanner, Jr.

vs

Dan "Cypher" Kilburn

[Phoenix]

The camera fades in... to Shion's face up close. Shion looks rather confused, as always. She taps the camera a bit and turns to someone, her black hair now only being shown in the camera.

Shion: It's on Dan-kun. Ready?

Kilburn: Yeah, yeah, gimme a second.

Shion: Hai~

Shion moves out of the way and it reveals Dan Kilburn, sitting down on their couch, looking directly at the camera.

Kilburn: Adrian Tanner, Jr... the Arizona Assassin. Your time being anywhere near the top of the TKOW card is almost up. In just a few weeks from now... New Era 2007... I will be sending your ass back to the bottom of the pack.

Ya see Tanner, I wasn't lying when I said nobody knew who the hell you were. The fact that the only victory you can claim on me is a last-second ambush at the Got Wood invitational shows just how much of a rookie you truly are. All your wins... all your accomplishments elsewhere... they really mean nothing now... do they? You have to resort to cheap tricks and letting others try to do the work for you. While I've been fighting T.H. Power, Phoenix, and Matt Griffen, you've been running around trying to protect the Television Title for your sister Kaycee... keeping it all nice and warm.

Oh yeah... don't think I've forgotten about that Television Title... I'll plan to go after it someday... someday very soon. But right now... gold is the last thing on my mind.

Shion: I like gold!

Dan turns to Shion.

Kilburn: Yeah?

Shion: Gold is pretty. I saw a Rolex that one guy was wearing. But it costs so much!

Dan chuckles as Shion nods her head and walks out of camera view.

Kilburn: See? Not even Shion takes this match very seriously. She knows that I've been through worse... much worse. Multiple hell in a cell matches, an electrocution match, dozens of hardcore matches, and of course... three last man standing matches. See this is how you get a name made for yourself Tanner by beating the best that the best have to offer, and giving it back to them with interest. It doesn't have to be for a belt, a piece of leather strap with gold superglued to it.

You got Barbie Tanner over there carrying the T.V. title around like it's an accessory for a dollhouse. What an insult to this sport that she gets a lucky win and can only hold the title by a joke disqualification. Thankfully, in our match, you won't have such luck to disqualify yourself out of any pain I'm going to inflict upon you. Oh no... all you can do is just take what's coming to you, Adrian.

You're looking at the future of TKOW, the future of wrestling, and the future of the industry both in the ring and behind the scenes. I make the rules, I break the rules, then I make them again. And at New Era Adrian, you will know me as the Sharp Dressed Man... the man who broke your spirit, your body, and your soul.

He cracks his neck a bit.

Kilburn: I hold one hundred three wins... currently the highest win total all-time for anyone my age, and I plan to win hundreds more...

At New Era, you Adrian, will be victim number one-oh-four!

Dan snaps his fingers to a click... as the camera immediately goes to black.

[Phoenix]

"Dan Kilburn."

[The scene opens to show The "Arizona Assassin" Adrian Tanner, sitting on the steps of a courthouse. He is wearing black jeans and a black shirt with "Revolver" in bold white font. His face is half-hidden in the shadow of the large stone pillar he's sitting next to. The look in his eyes as he flips a coin into the air screams 'hatred.']

Adrian Tanner: "Dan. Kilburn."

[A burst of wind blew his hair into his face as he flipped the coin into the air. He reached up and pushed his hair back as he looked towards the camera.]

Adrian Tanner: "You may wonder why I'm sitting on the steps of a courthouse at the moment. Well, I found it a fitting analogy for what's about to take place."

"Dan Kilburn, you have been charged with crimes against my family. I sit before you, as Judge, Jury, and Executioner, ready and primed to carry out your sentancing. And you, Mr Kilburn, have been tried and found GUILTY for all charges!"

[He leans over, resting his arm on his knee, further shrouding himself in the darkness of the shadows.]

Adrian: "Do you understand what you did, Kilburn? You put_my_sister_in harm's way. You put MY sister into a match with CARPENTER! And not only that, but you attempted to put your own hands on her..."

[He brushes his hair back out of his face again, as he takes a deep breath.]

Adrian: "Do you know what happened to the LAST person who attempted to harm a member of my family, Dan?"

"DO YOU?"

Adrian: "I. Lit. His. Fucking. Face. On. Fire."

"So one can only imagine the fun I'm going to have with you, Dan, in our Last Man Standing match."

Adrian: I'm not a hard guy to get along with, I'm really not. I live by a few simple rules. A) Don't mess with me, I don't bother you. Unless your holding Gold I want, and well...then it inevitable. But, that's Wrestling for ya."

[He smirks that trademark smirk, which in the 3/4's darkness looks rather sinister-looking.]

Adrian: "2) Outside of wrestling, comics and videogames are my life. and C) You DONT mess with my family!"

"If you have a problem with me, you deal with me, Dan. You_do_not_touch my family."

Adrian: "Rest assured, I'm going to make you pay for what you did. For every scratch and bruise my sister took because of you, I'm going to make you suffer."

"All the rage that's been building inside of me for past month, all the anger, the frustration that I couldnt take out on Bob Lancelot's sick, twisted ass...The pain that I felt at not being able to do a damn thing when Carpenter smashed that steel chair against my sister's head for the 2nd time of the night..."

"All that anger has a focus point now, Dan."

"You."

[He sits back, his face still half shrouded in darkness.]

Adrian: "I hope your ready to live with what you've done, Dan. Because I am. I may not like it, but I've come to grips with it. Have you?"

"Dan Kilburn, As your Judge, Jury, and Executioner I hereby sentance you to DEATH, by Revolver."

[He pulls himself up to a standing position, and his entire face is covered by the shadows.]

Adrian: "Or maybe just lots and lots of pain. I havent decided which just yet."

[Another smirk. then a FADE.]

[See you, Space Cowboy.]

[Harpuia]

Yawn.

Kilburn's trying to get off his couch, but fails to after hearing what was quite possibly the most boring five minutes of his life. He tries his hardest to get up, but simply slumps back.

Kilburn: Oh God... I sentenced to death... by boredom.

He tries to get up out of his couch again, but to no avail. He simply slumps back...

Kilburn: Almost as boring as the start of this promo... ugh...

...And lands on the couch with a thud.

Shion suddenly appears with a referee suit on and starts the count.

Shion: 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! N-...

Kilburn: I'm up! I'm up!

Kilburn suddenly sits back up, adjusts his seat as well as his "butt groove". He then folds his hands as he begins to speak and Shion suddenly darts out of camera view.

Kilburn: I don't know what the hell you were talking about there. The only thing I could hear you spout off is 'death' and 'family'. You want to talk family? Trying to throw Kaycee into that six-man tag team match, when you know that Communist John is there? Lurking? Waiting in the wings? You think Carpenter is sick... shit... on the Best of Serendipity Network DVD, there's some shit he does that even *I* have to censor off... because it is THAT gruesome. I swear, it's like if Saw III were a porn flick...

...And you complain to me about throwing Kaycee into a match against Carpenter? John was out fuckin' and beatin' up Katie that night, so I needed a replacement, and I thought what better idea than to give the TKOW people EXACTLY what they want... a title match. Last I checked Kaycee's supposed to be a champ... and champs fight to keep their belts... they don't hide behind the older brother like some helpless damsel in distress...

Jesus fuckin' Christ, Mary, Joseph, and Judas... what the hell has happened to the TKOW Television Title?

Shion: *from afar* Judas was in that family?

Kilburn: No, but I feel like swearing against good and evil equally. Unlike you Tanner, I'm an equal opportunist. I make sure that if one side gets two roshambo kicks in the nuts, the other side gets the same thing. It's why I vote Libertarian, because the elephant is humping the donkey much like Communist John was... *shivers*... you know what to Brandon Young. I'm sure that's still fresh on your mind... I know it is on mine...

...I mean holy hell... I have to wear blinders whenever I gotta send that piece of shit Apophis and I supposedly call a human being to the ring.

He pauses a bit.

Kilburn: I'm off on a tangent again. It's quite simple really. I did your little Barbie doll a favor. You should be thanking me. Because of me, that TKOW Television title now has a little bit more prestige in it... the prestige it lost when Lancelot suddenly lost the belt to her. You should be worshipping the ground I walk on right now, because your unknown Tanner family name finally has a few more marks of fame attached to its name.

But noooooo... you wanna fuck me up in a Last Man Standing match.

You're such an ungrateful little bitch... ya know that? But it's no matter to me... if it's a fight you want... it's a fight you're going to fuckin' get. At New Era, it will be Dan "Cypher" Kilburn and "The Arizona Assassin" Adrian Tanner Junior... and I do mean fuckin' junior... one on one in a Last Man Standing match to truly prove who is the future here in TKOW, and who deserves to be thrown back to curtain jerker. Tanner, I've faced a lot of unknown people in my life, and you are by far the most unknown piece of shit I've ever walked across. I bet if you didn't have the half-assed nickname "Arizona Assassin" you probably wouldn't even be in this match in the first place!

He cracks his neck a bit.

Kilburn: This is where it all ends. New Era, Adrian Tanner, I will fuckin' bust you up. I will send you to your grave, boy. You ungrateful little piece of shit... I am the future of TKOW... you WILL know my name... and when I am done with you, I'll be having my eye straight on a TKOW title... and I won't stop till I take 'em all down... one by one...

Tanner, I'm going to start with you. I'll make sure that you don't get up... as I mercilessly knock you down... over and over with the Guillotine...

Tanner... New Era... your first mistake was challenging me to a match. Your last mistake will be getting in the ring with me...

...with the illusion you can beat the Sharp Dressed Man.

What's-his-face Tanner... keep dreaming...

Fade to black.

[Havok]

[Fade in to Adrian Tanner, lounging on the porch of his home in Melbourne Australia. He's wearing black track shorts and a black shirt with "Team Se7en" written in gold letter on the front. And he's shaking his head.]

Adrian: "You seriously are the worst fucking wrestler alive, arent you? Listen, Dan, this whole 'calling me a rookie' thing. Stop it. It's rediculous. If I"M a rookie, then YOU arent shit, my friend."

[He takes a drink from a can of Cherry-Vanilla Dr Pepper.]

Adrian: "I may be new to 'this' TKOW, but I'm not a rookie, Dan. Ask around. Go pick up a tape of Megabowl IV, TKOW's biggest show EVER, and ask what the main attractions to that show were."

"Phoenix vs Jace Mingla."

"And David Rave vs Adrian fuckin Tanner."

Adrian: "Or we could go even further back, and look at HPWA's history. That was back when I was oh...18 years old, Dan. And 3 shows in_I_was in the main event. Ask Lady Hawke about Adrian Tanner in HPWA. Ask Matt Griffen how I beat him, Syberus and Jake Cannon in an HPWA Title Match. Ask Phoenix about how the Connection ran roughshod over Section 8's 'home turf. Ask Jace Mingla about his time in SWAT, and who was the big cat there.'"

"That'd be me, by the way."

[He takes another drink from his Cherry-Vanilla Dr Pepper.]

Adrian: "And really kiddo, I dont care how many matches you've won or lost. Because quite frankly, I've won more. I dont know the exact number, no, but I stopped caring about exact numbers after I won my 2nd WORLD Title."

"I just love it when people talk about their super brutal awesome matches theyve been through and then mention shit like 'double hell in a cell' matches. Who the fuck takes anyone that wrestles in a 'double hell in a cell' match seriously?"

Adrian: "The types of shit I'VE been through make anything you've ever done look like fucking child's play."

"Dan, really, believe what you want. Don't take me seriously. Go ahead. I dare you. Act like this match is a cakewalk, and that I'm nothing to worry about."

"But before you do that, I have a request to make. Go talk to Sly Fondell, or Ignacious Conner, and ask them how THAT worked out for them. Go ask Dave Sadler. Go run on over to your little Terrible Indy Wrestling fed or whatever, and ask Syberus how it goes when he doesnt take me seriously. I'm 4-2 against teh almighty Syberus."

[Adrian does a slow 'golf clap']

Adrian: "Bravo, by the way. Bra-fucking-vo, on the whole 'yawn this is so old promo.' Not like I didnt see that coming. Is it possible for you to NOT be the most cliched person on the planet? And I ask you this, as a former tag team partner of Syberus, who is quite possibly the MOST cliched wrestler on the face of the universe."

[Matthew Perry randomly walks past the shot.]

MAtthew Perry: "Could you BE any less of a useless hobag?"

Adrian: "Uh, thanks Matt."

"Listen kiddo, If IM not shit, then that makes you...worse than shit. Because kiddo, you ARE NOT better than me."

[He smirks. You hate that smirk.]

Adrian: "It must suck to be worse than shit, eh?"

"Don't get me wrong, I'm going to obliterationate you. And I'm going to enjoy every minute of it. But at the end of the day, you aint shit, and I don't care. I don't care about you, or what you say. I don't care about your cousin, or what she thinks. The only thing I care about is you putting your hands on my sister."

"And for that, you're going to get fucking_hurt."

Adrian: "You keep believing I'm nothing, Dan. It'll be just like you, the most cliched person on the planet, to use the most cliched response to Adrian fuckin Tanner, ever. So go ahead and do just that, Danny."

"Just, yknow, don't be TOO surprised when your lying face down in a pool of your own blood, and I move onto the next monkey in the road."

"See ya, Space Cowboy."

[He shakes his head and laughs at the overt stupidity that is Dan Kilburn.]

"Calls me a rookie...What the fuck is he smoking?"

[Fade to your mother.]

[Havok]

[It’s a nice, cloudy day as a young boy, maybe 12 or so, hops off the school bus and runs the last block home to his nice two-story house. He rushes in the door, says a quick ‘Hi’ to his folks and heads for his bedroom. He shuts the door and fires up his Personal Confuser, then clicks on the Icon marked ‘Firefox.’]

Kid: “C’mon, hurry up! I gotta see these videos Billy talked about!”

[The kid’s impatience wears thin, but finally, the Firefox pages loads and he immediately goes to the address bar, where he types in ‘www.thearizonaassassin.com.’]

Kid: “C’mon already!”

[A flash intro showing a silver 9millimeter revolver blasting a hole through the computer finishes loading and finally the boy is taken to the main site. He clicks on “Blogs” and waits, impatient still as the new page loads.]

Kid: “Sweet, here we go!”

[He scrolls down the page to where the newest blog starts.]

**Assassin’s Blog, stardate Eight Twenty-Four, Twenty-Oh-Seven**

Greetings, from the road. Your friendly neighborhood Arizona Assassin here, with another update to this thing. I’m still getting the hang of these Blog things, so give me a chance. TKOW’s New Era is right around the corner, and yours truly has a big match up.

Last Man Standing with one, Dan “Cypher” Kilburn. Rather than go around and around in another attempt to make some semblance of sense out of anything he might say further, I’ve decided...well shit..I’ve already got this thing won, might as well have some fun with it.

So with the help of my friend Brian’s recording studio, I put together a number of little ‘videos’ for my fellow followers in the ways of Assassinism to puruse while they await the execution of Mr Kilburn for crimes against my family.

Enjoy. And I’ll see ya when I see ya.

-ATJ.

[The kid smiles at that. And clicks on the first video, entitled “Ball-in-a-cup II.”

Announcer: "Hey kids of America, its hand painted wooden ball-in-a-cup, Mexico's favorite toy for over 340 years.”

[The scene shows three little kids playing with a cup with a ball attached to a string. A Tv is shown on in the background but the kids arent paying attention to it while they play with their ball-in-a-cup.]

Announcer: “More fun than a bowl full of monkeys...Less insulting than a Dark Schnitzel appearance...More entertaining than a Dan Kilburn promo, it’s...Ball-in-a-cup!”

[The scene zooms in on the camera, showing Dan Kilburns last TKOW promo. Kilburn droning on and on while the kids continue to ignore them playing with their ball-in-a-cup. Somewhere, Dan kilburn sheds a tear.]

[And still, nobody cares.]


Announcer: “Who needs boring, cliched yawning in promos when there’s ball-in-a-cup? You just toss the ball, catch it in the cup, dump it out of the cup, toss it, and catch it in the cup again. The ball is on a string and attached to the cup, so there’s no worry if you don’t catch the ball in the cup. And clean up is as easy as catching a ball, in a cup.”

[The scene shows one of the kids walk over to the tv where Dan Kilburn’s promo is apparently on loop. He looks at the tv, then at the ball-in-a-cup, and shuts the tv off.]

“So why spend another day not catching a ball in a cup when you can be catching a ball-in-a-cup?”

Jingle: " Ball in a cup, Ball in a cup its a ball in a cup!"

Kid: "Ball in a cup!"

Jingle: "Ball in a cup. It may be the oldest game ever, but it’s still more fun than watching Dan Kilburn promo.”

[Fade.]

Kid: “Meh, that was okay. But he coulda done better. Ooh...a music video!”

[The kid clicks on the 2nd video, entitled “Becoming the bull.”

[A grainy black and white shot of a bullfighting arena in Mexico appears.]

Assassin Media Presents:

Atreyu “Becoming the Bull” (TKOW remix)

#Come on!#

[We zoom in to the arena grounds, where a large bull with a two gun holsters on either side of the saddle on it’s back is chasing a bullfighter. The bullfighter is wearing a black t-shirt with a Bullseye circle that has Dan Kilburn’s face in the middle
in bright red.]

#Grab the bull by the horns the old adage goes.#

[The bull charges at the bullfighter as footage from the last Mass Khaos plays.]

TH. Power: “Therefor Kaycee Tanner’s opponent for tonight is....”

“Carpenter.”

#Nobody tells you where to go from here.#

Bob Lancelot: “I’ll make you watch as I rape your sister, Tanner. And then I’ll make you join in!

#I see what’s grateful in you.#

[Kaycee Tanner makes Bob Lancelot tap out to the FutureStretch.]

#Decisions have to be made.#

Adrian Tanner: “Why should I give a shit about your cousin when you don’t care about MY SISTER?!”

#The worse path is the hardest earned.#


[Adrian Tanner cursing at the monitor as Dan Kilburn cracks Kaycee Tanner in the head with a steel chair.]

#Back and forth the struggle consumes us all.#

TH. Power: “You have to let her do this herself, Tanner.”

#Trying to keep a level head.#

[Adrian Tanner being restrained by security during his sister’s promo for Bob Lancelot.]

#In the most unsettling of times.#

Adrian: “Dan Kilburn. I am your Judge, Jury, and Exe-fucking-cutioner!”

#Today I'll become the bull. (Become the bull!)#

Adrian: “You do NOT put your hands on MY SISTER!

[BOOM! The Bull rams headfirst into a wall, andjust barely misses impaling the bullfighter as the bullfighter gets up and runs for his life.]

#There is so much at steak.#

[Footage of Team 7 vs The Bayou Street Mafia.]

#I'll stumble I'll loose my place.#

[Dan Kilburn pinning Adrian Tanner in the six man tag match.]

#Crowded in while surrounded by sin.#

Bob Lancelot: “I will make her do things youve only dreamed of, Tanner!”

#Destiny takes its hold.#

[Adrian Tanner grabs Claire by the hair and motions at Bob to let go of Kaycee.]

#Find it or let it go.#

#But I choose how it all will end.#

#G-G-G-Go!#

[The Bullfighter starts to yawn and taunt the bull. Not realising the Bull’s actually right behind him..]

#Back and forth the struggle consumes us all.#

#Trying to keep a level head.#

Adrian: “Do you know what happened to the last person who put his hands on a member of my family?”

#In the most unsettling of times.#

Dan Kilburn: “Yawn.”

#Today I'll become the bull. (Become the bull!)#

Adrian: “I. Lit. His. Fucking. Face. On. Fire!”

#Today I'll become the bull.#

Dan Kilburn: “Yawn.”

#This small heart can get lonely.#

Bob Lancelot: “Your nothing, Tanner.”

#I lose myself inside myself.#

Sly Fondell: “You aint shit, pip squeak.”

#No one can touch you when you're outside staring in.#

The Icon: “You can’t beat, Adrian. I own you!”

#Remove myself from this pride race.#

#Back and forth the struggle consumes us all.#

[Bob Lancelot taps out to the FutureStretch.]

#Trying to keep a level head.#
Jeremy Tucker: “OH MY GOD! Adrian Tanner just Full nelson slammed Sly Fondell from the top of a steel_cage!”

#In the most unsettling of times.#

Jeremy Tucker: Adrian Tanner just laid out the Icon with a wicked Steel chair shot!”

#Today I'll become the bull. (Become the bull!)#

Dan Kilburn: “Yawn.”

#Today I'll become the bull.#

[Adrian Tanner dives off the top of the cage, taking Dan Kilburn right through a table!!]

Yuri Testikov: “Your winner of the first cage...Adrian Tanner!”

#Today I'll become the bull. (Become the bull!)#

Adrian Tanner: “Your Judge.”

#Today I'll become the bull.#

“Jury.”

#Today I'll become the bull.#

“And Exe-fucking-cutioner.”

[As the Bullfight turns around, he runs right into the Bull’s horns and gets impaled, as a bloody stump.]

Adrian Tanner: “Today, I’ll become the Bull.”

[Fade.]

Kid: "That was cool! Man, I can't wait to see Adrian clock this Kilburn punk with his Revolver! Nobody messes with Adrian and gets away with it!"

[He clicks on another video further down entitled "America needs YOU."]

[Adrian Tanner appears, dressed as Uncle Sam, and standing in front of a large American Flag banner.]

Uncle Adrian: "Gentlemen and Ladies, your country, no the WORLD needs your help. We MUST stop this influx of suck before it gets even worse. We MUST destroy these jobbers before they infect any more of the universe! So I ask you, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country!"

"And what you can do for your country is very simple friends...."

Uncle Adrian: "Jobberism. It's a terrible disease, right up there with Sars, Aids, and even Terrorism. We MUST eradicate this disease! You can do your part. Aid Adrian Tanner and the Organization for Ridding the Earth of Stupid People in their fight against Jobberism this Sunday at TKOW's New Era PPV as he takes that vile Jobberist Dan Kilburn."

"How can you do this? It's simple. Make zero noise when he comes out for the match. Turn your backs to him, Don't give him the time of day. He doesnt deserve it. Throw your leftover hot dogs and day old hamburgers at him, shower him in your piss-water beer. Do everything you can to help Adrian Tanner and the OFRTEOSP make his life a living hell, so Maybe...Just maybe..He'll finally take the bait. Maybe...if we're lucky, he'll get the hint. And he'll go away."

"And we'll all have one less Jobberist to worry about."

Uncle Adrian: "Do your part! Help Adrian Tanner fight this Jobberist, not just for your own sake, but for the sake of every man, woman, child, and what the fuck ever Pat Bozzini is!"

"The Preceeding has been paid for by the Organization for Ridding the Earth of Stupid People."

DO YOUR PART.

[Fade.]

Kid: "Awesome."

*Ring!*

[The kid rushes over to his backpack and pulls out a cell phone.]

Kid: "Hello? Hey Billy! Yeah, that was great! Yeah, that Jobberist Kilburn guy has no chance! Yeah, I'll ask my mom right now!"

Kid: "Mooom..."

[End.]